Fed up with your boring old name? Try rewriting it with this formula

Hello, it’s Zippy Snicklechunks here. I thought of inviting some well-known people to join us in sharing this formula.

Like for example, Cheesey Battybutt**, Doombah Featherbutt**, (related perhaps?) and Sneezy Chucklesniffer**, but sadly they couldn’t join us they are too busy contemplating world domination.

HTWB name Never mind; we lesser mortals must march on and brighten our lives with these cracking new names. Whoever would have thought that self-reinvention could be so satisfying?

A scientifically developed formula created by that world-renowned genius, Captain Underpants

The following was circulated on the internet some years ago but, we’re told, is excerpted from a fabulous children’s book – Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dav Pilkey – in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.

Little did the lovely Mr Pilkey realise that his character’s creative genius would be used to skyrocket the entire world’s  (well, our HTWB readership, anyway) tedious earthling names up to the amazing heights that even Captain Underpants probably didn’t anticipate!

(By the way, Dav Pilkey’s superb Captain Underpants series of books is still going strong so check it out, especially with the Holidays coming up. Amazon UK here, Amazon USA here, and many other online and offline outlets too.)

So – just what is this magic formula?

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p =stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Et voilà – the name you have always craved but never dared use

Try it out for yourself. This is how new empires are built!

By the way, can you tell from the names I shared above** who I’m talking about? To remind you…

  • Cheesey Battybutt
  • Doombah Featherbutt
  • Sneezy Chucklesniffer

A big virtual hug to anyone who can work those three out.

Until then, thanks again Dav Pilkey – or should I say Sneezy Frickenhead – and guess whose amazing kids’ books I will be giving as Holidays gifts this year…!

Love to all from Zippy.

(Actually I think I should keep that name. More, er, zip in it than Suze.)

What is your new name?

Please share it here!

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Thoughts

  1. This is hilarious, all the best from Dorfus Farklehonker. 😀 It almosts sounds like a fictional character from Harry Porter. 😀

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