Writing humour: fishy stories for pescatarians

I know it’s not as fashionable as being vegan, but for pescatarians like me there is nothing more heavenly than a luxurious Dover Sole Meunière or even the humble ‘fish and chips’ with steaming fresh cod encased in crunchy beer batter. If you feel the same way (or just like a good laugh) … read on…

jokes about fish

Humble but glorious fish-and-chips…

Cost of living
When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that there was a doctor seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skilfully removed the bone and saved the businessman’s life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the doctor enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. Although the doctor declined at first, the businessman insisted. “Just name your fee,” he croaked gratefully.
“Okay,” replied the doctor.  “Let’s say about half what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat.”

Something to carp about
A man ran into a supermarket with a giant carp under his arm. “Do you sell fishcakes?” he said to the manager.
“Of course we do”, replied the manager.
The customer breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God”, he said, patting the carp,  “it’s his birthday today.”

Fishy business
A customer at the fish counter in Harrods’ Food Store in London, England marveled at the manager’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, George, what makes you so clever?” she said.
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” George replied, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“Do you sell them here?” the customer asked.
“Only £4 each, cash only,” said George.
The customer bought three. A week later, she was back at Harrods’ fish counter complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and she wasn’t any cleverer.
“You didn’t eat enough,” remonstrated George.”
The customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, she was back and this time she was really angry.
“Now look here, George,” she said, “you’re selling me fish heads for £4 cash each when I can buy an entire fish for £2 and put it on my account. You’re swindling me!”
“You see?” said George. “You’re more clever already.”

Big fish
Two men were in a restaurant and ordered Dover Soles. The waiter brought a platter containing two fish, one somewhat larger than the other. The first man said to the other, “go on, help yourself.” The second one helped himself to the larger sole. After a tense silence, the first one said, “really, Henry, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller sole!”
The second man replied, “So what’s your problem? You’ve got what you wanted, haven’t you?”

Stirring seafood
A Nova Scotian man’s wife disappeared while swimming in the ocean and shortly after dawn the next day, the man was greeted by two grim-faced police officers at his door.
“We’re very sorry to disturb you so early, Mr. Johnson, but we have some information about your wife.”
“What, what!” the man asked anxiously.
The officer said, “we have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Johnson said, “give me the bad news first.”
“Very well,” said the officer. “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body near the harbour.”
“Oh my God!” said Mr. Johnson, tears welling up in his eyes. Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, “what’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the officer, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sized crabs on her.”
“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, demanded Mr. Johnson.
“Well, continued the officer, “we’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

Do you have any favourite fish jokes? Do share them with us!