Flying funnies 1 – jokes for the airborne traveller

The first in a series of three selections of air travel jokes to add to our summer funny jokes collection … whether you’re a frequent or occasional flyer, you’ll find some good laughs to enjoy here.

Flying funnies 1 - jokes for the airborne traveller

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The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for US Airline X

We’re Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program
Ask about our out-of-court settlements
Noisy engines? We’ll turn ’em off!
Complimentary champagne in free-fall
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you
The kids will love our inflatable slides
You think it’s so easy, get your own damned plane!
Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose
We might be landing on your street!
Terrorists are afraid to fly with us
Bring a bathing costume
So that’s what these buttons do!
A real man lands where he wants to
We never make the same mistake three times

Tact

An award should go to the Airline X gate agent for being clever and funny, and making her point, when confronted by a passenger who deserved to fly as cargo.
On this particular day, a crowded Airline X flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and then I’m sure we’ll be able to sort something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at gate 24 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 24 immediately.”
With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Airline X agent, gritted his teeth and swore “f*** you.”
Without hesitating, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to wait in the lineup for that, too.”

Brazen whore

A famous evangelical preacher was in the first class cabin of a flight from Washington to San Francisco, and found himself seated next to a former US President – a man known for his sexual extravagance.
Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky and soda. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he too would like a drink.
The preacher replied, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips.”
The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “My apologies, I didn’t realise there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s having.”

Brown trousers

A plane took off from Heathrow Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293 from Heathrow to Chicago. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”
A passenger in Economy Class stood up and beckoned to the person sitting across the aisle. “That’s nothing,” said the passenger. “Have a look at the back of mine!”

Aircraft maintenance

‘Squawks’ are lists of problems that pilots leave for maintenance crews to resolve before the next flight.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by airline pilots and the replies from the crews.

(P) = Problem listed by pilot
(S) = Solution noted by maintenance crew

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside tyre

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

Mile high club

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchanged brief greetings and he noticed that she was reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asked her about it and she replied, “this is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replied, “Apache Kawalski, pleased to meet you.”

PC Sacking

The owner of a small airline in the Scottish Highlands had just lost a big tourism contract and as a result, the business was in difficulty. The owner gathered together his four cabin crew staff members. “I’m really sorry,” he said, “but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”
The black steward said, “Not me. If you do I’ll have you for racial discrimination.”
“And I’m a woman,” said the stewardess, “so I’ll do you for sexual discrimination.”
The eldest, another steward, said, “Sack me, laddie, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination lawsuit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
At this point, they all turned to look at the helpless young, white, male employee. He thought for a moment, then responded, “I think I might be gay…”

Do you have any favourite airline jokes?

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  1. […] schools have gone back already. But there is still enough summer sun left to appreciate some funny jokes about travel … especially if you have waited until after the summer rush to go and enjoy some […]

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