Flying funnies 2 – jokes for the airborne traveller

The second in a series of three selections of air travel jokes to add to our summer funny jokes collection … whether you’re a frequent or occasional flyer, you’ll find some good laughs to enjoy here.

Flying funnies 2 - jokes for the airborne traveller

We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.


This is the purportedly true story of some Boeing employees in the field who decided to steal a life raft from one of the 777s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on their local river, they were startled by the arrival of a US Navy helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.

The people concerned are no longer employed at Boeing.

Cost savings

It is said that American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Space travel warning

Word is that astronauts are not allowed to eat baked beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages it.

Useful information

“Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Engine troubles

Some tourists were flying out to Florida on a rather elderly Jumbo Jet. When they were about three hours out from Miami, the captain’s voice came over the PA system and said, “ladies and gentlemen, we’ve had a small problem with number one engine and I have decided it is safer to shut it down. Unfortunately this means our airspeed will be reduced so we will be arriving in Miami some 30 minutes late.”
A while later, the captain went on the PA again. “Ladies and gentlemen, our number two engine is not functioning correctly so I have decided to shut it down. This means we will arrive in Miami approximately an hour late.”
And still later, the captain again… “number three engine is malfunctioning, so I have shut it down for safety reasons. Unfortunately this now means we will arrive in Miami about 90 minutes late.”
At this point one of the tourists, who had been refreshing himself somewhat to excess, turned to the person in the next seat and said, “I hope he doesn’t decided to shut number four engine down as well, otherwise we’ll be up here all day.”


A large jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day. The pilot was describing the view to the passengers on the PA system.
”If you look out of the starboard side windows, that’s on the right, you’ll see the Meteor Crater. This is a huge tourist attraction in the north part of Arizona. The crater measures about a mile across and it’s nearly 200 yards deep. It was caused by a huge meteor of iron and nickel which hit the Earth at nearly 40,000 miles per hour. The meteor weighed 300,000 tons and was around 50 yards in diameter.”
Two British passengers were listening to this, when one commented to the other ”that was lucky. It only just missed the motorway.”


A woman decided to take her young son on holiday to Canada, and they were on their way to Toronto in a large jet plane. At one point the little lad had an urgent call of nature, so his Mum took him to one of the Economy Class toilets, sent him in, and said she would return for him in five minutes.
As luck would have it, the little boy finished early and decided to leave the toilet by himself, to find his own way back to their seats. A businessman who had been waiting for a while gratefully took his place. In the meantime, Mum wandered up to the toilet door and shouted “are you OK, or do you want me to come in and help you do your zip up?”
A surprised man’s voice called back, “goodness me, what superb service.”

Movie special

No wonder airlines are moving on from the old way of showing in-flight movies on big screens. On one US jumbo jet some years ago, a passenger found the cinema atmosphere during the screening of “Towering Inferno” so realistic that he forgot where he was and decided to nip out of the auditorium to buy some popcorn. The other passengers, also caught up in the atmosphere, thought he was part of the show.

Yankee quotes

With the USA being so huge, people over there perhaps do not take flying quite so seriously as we do in Europe. Certainly the following quotes from flight and cabin crew in American airliners – all reputed to be true – illustrate the more light-hearted manner in which flying is regarded there.

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Airline X Business Class. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As one airliner was waiting just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of them, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

Pilot:  “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was screeching to a stop: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children, or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the business. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

It was a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight with the controls. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Airport X. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a flight attendant…. “Welcome aboard Airline X Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Airline X.”

Do you have any favourite airline jokes?

Please share them!