Flying funnies 3 – jokes for the airborne traveller

The last in a series of three selections of air travel jokes to add to our summer funny jokes collection … whether you’re a frequent or occasional flyer, you’ll find some good laughs to enjoy here.

Flying funnies 3 - jokes for the airborne traveller

Okay guess who, now guess where?

Shooting star

On one particular flight when the first officer was at the controls, the aircraft had landed very roughly indeed. Unfortunately for him, the policy of the airline concerned required him to stand by the door while the passengers left, smile, and say “thank you for flying Airline X.”
Bearing in mind his bad landing, he could scarcely look the passengers in the eye, thinking that surely someone would bring up the landing goof. But no-one did. However as the last passenger – an elderly gentleman walking with a Zimmer frame – drew level with the first officer, he stopped. “Young man,” he said, “I flew Spitfires in the war. Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, sir,” said the first officer. “What is it?”
“Well,” continued the old veteran, “did we land or were we shot down?”

Noisy

Just as an airliner was beginning to accelerate along the runway it screeched to a halt and taxied back to the airport building. After an hour on the ground and the usual banalities being given over the PA system, the aircraft finally left its dock, taxied back to the runway and took off.
“What was the real problem?” asked a passenger of a passing steward.
“Well, the pilot got all worked up about a noise coming from one of the engines,” replied the steward, “and it took an hour to find another pilot.”

Searching

A woman, whose husband was an airline captain, couldn’t believe how bad he was at finding simple things around the house. On one occasion he asked where the sugar bowl was. “I don’t believe this,” she exclaimed. “You’re capable of finding Liverpool airport in thick fog, but you can’t find the sugar bowl.”
“Ah,” replied her husband, “but nobody moves Liverpool airport.”

Customs

A particularly keen young customs officer decided to run a spot check on an elderly woman and a younger man as they came through Heathrow after a flight from the United States. He searched everything in their hand luggage very carefully and, coming across a small porcelain lidded container he opened it up. Seeing a powdery substance inside it he licked his finger, dipped it into the container, then tasted it.
The elderly woman burst into tears, and initially the young customs officer thought he had caught his first drug smuggler. “Hmmm,” he mused after a second or two, “it certainly doesn’t taste like an illegal drug.”
“Of course it doesn’t, you idiot,” snarled the younger man who was comforting the older woman. “And thank you for upsetting my mother. It’s my late father’s ashes.”

Motorway

A young pilot with a sense of humour was flying a turbo-prop aircraft on a charter flight from London to Manchester, and they were following a route above the M6 motorway. The pilot announced this over the PA system and said, “I’ll bet this is the first time you’ve been up the M6 at 200 miles per hour without the police being able to do you for speeding!” Shortly afterwards the aircraft ran into some turbulence, so the pilot made another announcement. “Sorry everyone,” he said. “We’ve come across some roadworks.”

Clever dick

A young, recently qualified PPL pilot in a light aircraft was in a jocular mood when he contacted the control tower at Aberdeen airport late one night and requested permission to land. When the tower asked him for his identification, he cheekily replied “guess who?”
As the fierce easterly winds blew across the Dyce field, the senior controller in the tower decided to teach the young pretender a lesson. He switched off all the airport lights, hit the talk button and replied, “okay guess who, now guess where?”

Sorry ma’am

While taxiing, the flight crew of Airline X departure flight from Heathrow to Johannesburg, took a wrong turning and found themselves face-to-face with a oncoming Airline Y 747. The furious female ground controller lost her rag with the Airline X flight crew, shouting “Airline X 449, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU TO TURN LEFT ON “DELTA” TAXIWAY; YOU TURNED LEFT ON “ECHO.” YOU STOP EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE. I KNOW IT’S HARD FOR IGNORAMUSES LIKE YOU TO REALISE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Ds AND Es, BUT YOU’VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, HAVEN’T YOU!!!”
Continuing her outburst to the unfortunate crew, she was now screaming furiously, “GOD, YOU’VE SCREWED EVERYTHING UP; IT’LL TAKE AGES TO SORT THIS OUT. YOU STAY RIGHT THERE AND DON’T MOVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO. YOU CAN EXPECT FURTHER TAXI INSTRUCTIONS IN ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES, AND I WANT YOU TO GO EXACTLY WHERE I TELL YOU, WHEN I TELL YOU, AND HOW I TELL YOU! HAVE YOU GOT THAT, AIRLINE X 449??!!”
“Er, yes, Ma’am,” replied the crew, duly humbled.
Not surprisingly the “Ground Control” frequency went very quiet after this exchange. No-one else in any of dozens of affected flight decks fancied their chances of a civil dialogue with the ground controller in such a rage. The atmosphere in cockpits all around Heathrow could have been cut with a knife.
After a few minutes of deathly silence, a brave Australian pilot couldn’t stand it any longer. “That’s the Sheila,” came his voice over the RT for all to hear. “I think I was married to her once.”

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