Common questions tourists ask when visiting Canada…

Common questions tourists ask when visiting Canada

A Canadian moose: US tourists can scare them off by spraying themselves with human urine before they go out walking…

Many people find it hard to understand what Canada is really like. Here is a list of questions asked during the 2010 Winter Olympics, that demonstrates how Canada needs to work harder on its international tourist information. Country of origin is in brackets after each question. And the questions, I am assured, are genuine…

I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy) Let’s not touch this one.

Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK) What did your last slave die of?

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA ) A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the  hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Which direction is south in Canada? (USA) Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA) Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,  which  is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) No, WE don’t stink.

mooseI have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA) Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) Yes, most gay nightclubs.

Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) Only at Thanksgiving.

Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany) No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA) It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

With grateful thanks to whoever wrote these responses several years ago – couldn’t have done it better myself…

photo credit: faungg’s photo via photopin cc




  1. […] Before we go any further, greetings to all you Canadians far and wide on this, our national day. (And no jokes…) […]