How to make a small fortune out of horses…

…start with a large fortune…!

If you or someone you know loves – or possibly hates – horses, here are some excerpts from an evergreen little book I wrote, The Horse Lover’s Joke Book and its younger sibling, The Pony Lover’s Joke Book. Some are old favourites, but many of them are original, written by moi.

Funny stories and jokes about ponies and horses

Suze and friend (Suze is on the right…) as drawn by caricaturist Simon Ellinas.

Given that there are more than 3 million privately owned horses and ponies in Britain alone, with many of their owners working two jobs to keep the little darlings in comfort, these excerpts will resonate with at least one or two of your friends and acquaintances. Feel free to print this out and share over coffee and cake with them!

“Why the sad face?” asked one of two riders out on a hack.
“My husband says I have to choose between him and my mare,” replied the second rider.
“Gosh, I’m sorry,” commented the first rider.
“So am I,” replied the second rider. “I’m really going to miss him.”

Who’s racing
An elderly gentleman finally achieved his lifelong ambition and bought a race horse. But it didn’t seem to have much energy, so the old man got the vet in to look at him.
“This horse is very old,” said the vet.
“But will I be able to race him?” asked the old man.
“I expect so,” replied the vet. “And you’ll probably win.”

funny jokes about horses

Suze and son (much younger then!) Tom just back from a ride around the bridleways of Milton Keynes, England

Horse maker
A little boy had just returned from a walk in the country with his Granny. “Mum, Mum,” he called out. “We’ve just seen a man who makes horses!”
“Really?” asked his mother.
“Yes, and he’d nearly finished,” said the boy. “As we walked by he was nailing on its feet.”

Bigger than…
A Texan trainer was visiting Newmarket, and got chatting with an English trainer in a pub. They were discussing the size of training facilities in America versus those in the UK.
“You know, I get on my saddle horse in the morning, and I could ride him all day long and still not get around the whole of our property,” bragged the Texan.
“Yes,” replied the British trainer. “I had a horse like that once, too.”

Horse humour on How To Write Better

Suze at the launch of The Pony Lover’s Joke Book – sequel to The Horse Lover’s Joke Book.

Really annoyed at the employee’s request to leave work early for her fourteenth or fifteenth dental appointment that month, the boss complained “I wish you cared about your work as much as you care about your horses.”
The employee was shocked into honesty. “No, I could never take work THAT seriously.”

Bits and bytes
A trekking trip had been organised in Wales and the leader was getting everybody ready. Several people had never been on a horse before so she said to them, “it’s simple, really. If you want the horse to turn right, pull slightly on the right rein and if you want it to turn left, pull slightly on the left rein. If you pull on both reins the horse will stop, and if you want the horse to move forward or go faster, kick gently.”
At this point a rather studious-looking young geek type at the back said, “ah I see. It’s a point and kick user interface.”

Horse jokes that are funny whether you like horses or not

Suze and Merrylegs … one of those ponies who has taught dozens of children to ride and is still going strong aged about 30.

Think shrink
A woman went to see a psychiatrist, very worried about her husband. “He thinks he’s an event horse,” she said. “He sleeps standing up, whinnies instead of speaking, and even insists on eating hay out of a haynet. It’s terrible.”
“How long has this been going on?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Several months now,” replied the woman.
The psychiatrist thought carefully. “You’ve let this go too far. Your husband will require lengthy counselling and psycho-analysis which is not available on the National Health, so it will be very expensive.”
“Money doesn’t matter, I don’t care about the expense,” said the woman. “I’m prepared to pay whatever it costs to stop my husband thinking he’s a horse.”
“But it will be thousands of pounds,” said the psychiatrist. “Can you really afford all this money?”
“Oh yes,” said the woman. “He’s already won Badminton and Burghley and now he’s got full sponsorship from LandRover.”

A farmer was driving his tractor along a country lane early one morning when he spotted the postman riding his bike towards him.  Stopping the tractor, the farmer called out “Morning!  Anything for Mike Howe?”
The postman stopped, searched carefully in his bag and then looked up at the farmer. “‘Fraid not, sir,” he said. “Nothing for your cow, and nothing for your horses either.”

If you think either of these little books would make a good Christmas gift for someone you know, read on…

The Horse Lover’s Joke Book
Click here to find it on Amazon

Horse jokes by Suzan St Maur

The Pony Lover’s Joke Book
Click here to find it on Amazon
pony humour by Suzan St Maur

What are your experiences with horses and ponies?

Please share!

And for more written humour and other elements of horsiness, check out this category here on HTWB.