Funny jokes from the Washington Post – again

If the emails going around on the internet are anything to go by, the Washington Post publishes nothing but funny witticisms over and over again, BUT with new ones being added into the mixture every so often.

Funny jokes from the Washington Post - again

Ignoranus : someone who’s both stupid and an *sshole.

Here is the most recent version which shares some golden oldies but also contains a few funny jokes I have never heard before. Thanks to my good friend Laurence H. from London, England for forwarding them to me. Enjoy.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

Cashtration : The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus : Someone who’s both stupid and an *sshole.

Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

[ctt title=”Decafalon:  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.” tweet=”Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.” coverup=”dULe6″]

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit : The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor : The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a flimsy nightgown.

Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Funny jokes from the Washington Post - again

Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle , n. A humorous question in an exam paper.

Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster , n. A person who speaks with lots of Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

If you enjoyed these – even if only for old times’ sake – please share them!

Images thanks to: