Household hints from an, er, incredibly helpful writer…

Household hints from an, er, incredibly helpful writer...

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave…

I don’t know who the writer of the following is, but s/he has made a hugely valuable contribution to all of us who have a sense of humor about the basics of keeping a home and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Many thanks to whoever you are for your, er, wisdom…and forgive me, but I have added a few comments of my own, too, in Italics.

**Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced before your large and small bowel are cooked to perfection the next time you stand in front of it.

**A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Be sure to arm the mousetrap with poison ivy (USA) or fresh nettle leaves (UK) before you go to bed, just in case it doesn’t go off.

**Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know. Considering how small many telephone books have become these days, this process shouldn’t take you too long.

**Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

**Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Alternatively, try having surgery to remove your bladder, urethra, uterus, cervix, ovaries, plus numerous lower abdominal lymph nodes and surviving on the food in a British hospital for nearly a month, as I did. Made me lose nearly 30 lbs / nearly 14 kgs.

**Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Or let your pet corn snake sun him/herself on top of the dashboard where the parking receipt should be. Most traffic wardens dislike reptiles. Could be they’re not fond of the mirror image.

**High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

**Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win. Really? I can see those glazed eyeballs from a mile away. Try caffeine instead.

**Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your ceiling. That’s as long as you’re the only one who needs to live with the stink. 

**Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. And what are we girls supposed to do?

**X File fans: create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’. Get the message. However your trip in that strange place might be a little less uncomfortable on the way home if a) you do it on wine instead of vodka and b) drink plenty of water as soon as you get home and before you go to bed.

**A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert. Will take your word for it. Google Maps may have other plans, though.

What other useful household hints can you share with us?

photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc