Why a roaring open fire is not always delightful…

As we say goodbye to chilly winter in the northern hemisphere, here’s a reminder of one of winter’s pleasures (unless you’re the one who has to clean it up) … in verse, from my forthcoming rude tome, Mischieverse. (NB: language has been tidied for a family audience…)

humorous poem about open fires

Want a fire? OK, right… Stack it up and light it then, next day YOU clean up the sh*te.


Oh, I love an open fire
Such a welcome sight to see
Glowing in our living room
Inspires peace so lovingly.

Dogs and cats and children so
…love to huddle up that close
Toasting little faces there
A warming experience for most.

When a whoopsie should occur
Log drops down and sets fire
…to the rug we love so much
Never mind! That’s not so dire.

Quickly get a water jug
To stop the flames from burning hell
Someone, quick, just pee right there
It may smell foul, but works as well.

Next day once the fire’s gone out
And the folks have gone off too
Daylight shows sh*t everywhere
Ashes, dust and crap askew.

Call upon the family now
You love your roaring fire so much
So it’s time to clean the mess
Takes more than just a gentle touch.

Ashes, dust and dirt so manky
Left for Mum or Dad at home
What a task so foul and w*nky
Foul parental work syndrome.

Next time spread it ‘cross the family
Want a fire? OK, right…
Stack it up and light it then
Next day YOU clean up the sh*te.

Think I’m being unromantic?
Maybe, but who gives a f***?
Roaring fires, in honest truth are
…a few hours’ joy, plus endless muck.

If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on #HTWB

Poetry on HTWB

Mischieverse is coming…

Excerpted from Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes

by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017