A horsey smell to your writing?

How to write better horse humour! If you love horses … or even hate them … you’ll appreciate some of the jokes I have curated – and written – in both of my humour books about these noble creatures: this one about horses, and this one about ponies, but essentially they work as a pair in helping us find humour despite the damned animals costing us fortunes while capturing our hearts.

A horsey smell to your writing?

Big brave horse … LOL…

Many of the jokes I have shared are traditional ones (i.e.out of copyright and free for us all the share.) But, many of the other gags and sequences are original. Hope you like them! And if you want some tips on how to write, curate and adapt jokes, check out this category here. Writing and curating jokes and other humour is a part of professional writing that I truly love, and that seems to attract a lot of interest here on HTWB.

Meanwhile, here are some of my favourite written horsey jokes…enjoy!

Towing
A passing motorist skidded his car off the road in a lonely area.  Luckily a local farmer came to help with his big, strong Shire horse, named Freddy.  He hitched Freddy up to the car and yelled “pull, Ernie.”  Freddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer shouted, “pull, Bertie, pull!”  Freddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “pull, Charlie, pull!”  Still nothing happened.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “pull, Freddy, pull!”  And the horse easily dragged the car out of the hedge.
The motorist was very appreciative, and very intrigued.  He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “oh, Freddy is blind.  If he had thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even have tried!”

Luxury wrong
A British groom from deepest rural Suffolk was sent by his employer to accompany a young racehorse which had just been sold to a highly successful yard in Kentucky, USA.  The groom was astounded at the luxury of the loose boxes when he was shown around them, so he could choose one for his equine companion.  The first one he saw was equipped with deep rubber flooring, automatic water cooler, air conditioning, central heating, infra-red lamps, rich wood panelling and golf-plated fixtures.  But the American head lad said no, he couldn’t have that one for his horse, it was the feedstore.

Rich or what
An English visitor was invited to tour the racing stables of a wealthy Saudi Arabian billionaire.  They were incredibly luxurious … the bedding was so thick you couldn’t see a single horse below the neck.

English signs in foreign equestrian centres

FRANCE
Before riding please leave your values in the office
AUSTRIA
Not to perambulate the floors of the cafeteria in the boots of equitation
FORMER USSR
Here there will be a exhibition of equestrian art by dozens of Soviet Republic painters and sculptors these were executed over the past two years
GERMANY
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the stable manager
SWITZERLAND
It is strictly forbidden on the centre’s camping site that people of different sex, for example men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose
HOLLAND
All horses shod by the latest methodists
BELGIUM
Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages
TURKEY (donkey rides)
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
SWEDEN (saddler)
Bridles made for customers from their own hides
JAPAN (diversion off bridleway)
Stop ride sideways
LUXEMBOURG
If this is your first visit to XXX Equestrian Centre you are welcome to it
SPAIN
Please do not feed the horses – if you have any suitable food give it to the groom on duty
ITALY (on water hose)
If you want more water for hose horses legs please control yourself
MAJORCA
English well talking here speeching American

Experience
Several weeks after a young apprentice stable lad had been hired, he was called into the head lad’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the head lad asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years’ experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young lad replied “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

Bridal
A showjumper and his bride asked the hotel receptionist for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
“Congratulations!” said the receptionist.  Looking at the showjumper, he asked, “Would you like the bridal then?”
“No thanks,” said the showjumper. “I’ll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it.”

Dude ranch
A young man visiting a dude ranch in the United States wanted to appear “macho,” so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the yard, the visitor tried starting a conversation.  “Say,” he said, “what a great bunch of Mustangs.”
The hired hand replied, “not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’ ”
“Heard what?”
“Herd of Mustangs.”
“Sure, I’ve heard of Mustangs. There’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

Document
An elderly horse breeder answered a knock on his door one morning.  An electricity company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company intended to run pylons and power lines through his field.
The elderly man said, “no, you may not.”
“Legally, this document says we can,” replied the worker.
As the worker turned and left, returning to his co-workers in the field, the elderly man went to his stable block and turned his very large Suffolk Punch stallion out into the field.
As the stallion galloped angrily towards the workers in the field, the elderly man shouted, “there!  Show him your document!”

Pony express
At a post office in Milwaukee, USA, a woman complained to the attendant that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. “I’d like to know why,” she ranted.
The attendant thought a moment and then suggested, “well, the horses are a lot older now.”

How now, brown cow
A group of senior citizens were taken by bus to visit a large farm some 40 miles from the city where they all lived.  Being urban people they weren’t familiar with country ways, and were astonished at these strange surroundings and creatures.
One elderly lady strode up to the fence between the yard and a paddock and saw something she thought was quite remarkable.  The farmer was nearby, so she called him over.  “Excuse me,” she said, “but why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer stroked his chin for a moment, then said, “well, my dear, cattle can do an awful lot of damage with their horns.  Sometimes we keep the horns trimmed down with a hacksaw.  In other cases, with young ones, we put a few drops of acid where the horns would grow through and that stops them developing altogether.  On the other hand, of course, some breeds of cattle don’t grow any horns at all.”
“Hmmm, that’s very interesting,” said the elderly lady.  “In which category is this one, then?”
“Well, my dear,” said the farmer, “the reason why this cow has no horns is because it’s a New Forest pony.”

Hello Vicar
The local Vicar had decided to buy a pony for his daughter, and after searching through endless advertisements finally found one that sounded appropriate.  He set off to see the pony at a yard some miles away.
“Now this pony,” said its owner, “is as gentle and kind as you could want.  He will stand quietly even if he isn’t tied up.  He will do anything you ask of him.  He genuinely hasn’t any vices or bad characteristics at all.  He doesn’t bite or kick, and he listens to everything you say.”
“Goodness me,” sighed the Vicar.  “If only he was a member of my Congregation.”

Tall tales
A businessman was driving along a country road and felt hungry.  As he was miles from the nearest town or village he couldn’t stop at a pub or café.  However, he remembered that he had some sandwiches and a can of fruit drink in the back of his car, so he stopped and fetched these from the boot.  As he was leaning against the car eating a sandwich, a horse trotted up to the fence by the road and began talking.
Did you know,” said the horse, “that I’m a star showjumper?  I’ve won thousands in prize money and have won all the major showjumping competitions in Europe.  Even the Puissance at Olympia, and the European Individual Championship.
The businessman dropped his sandwich in alarm as he listened to the horse.  Eventually he recovered his senses sufficiently and decided to visit the yard at the far end of the field, where the horse came from.  The horse trotted alongside him as he hurried to the tackroom door.  When they got there, a woman came out.  Not wishing to waste any time, the businessman said to her, “I would like to buy this horse, and I will give you £100,000 for him.”
The woman agreed without any hesitation, and as the businessman began to walk away, he stopped suddenly.  “Why,” he asked, “were you so eager to sell your horse?”
The woman snorted.  “Because he’s a ruddy liar.  He’s never won a showjumping competition in his life.”

Ten reasons to take up dressage
* I found flea racing too exciting
* I enjoy wearing full formal riding kit even on hot summer days
* I’ve always wanted to ride around in circles getting shouted at
* I want to subject my friends and family to hours’ worth of my half-pass on video
* My osteopath needs a new car
* I wanted to find a place where my husband wouldn’t go (the yard)
* I hate spending cold winter mornings snuggled up in bed and winter evenings by a warm fire
* My lawyer thinks it would be good practice for me to have three judges
* I’ve always wanted to look a judge in the eye and say “piaffé”
* I have far too much money in my bank account

Do you want to learn more about writing and curating humour/humor?

If so, let me know on suze@suzanstmaur.com and we can talk. Don’t hesitate!

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