Horse racing humour – jokes from the final furlong

Whether you enjoy the occasional flutter on the UK’s Grand National … or are a committed “form” expert punting away every week (…or just someone who enjoys a good laugh!) … this week’s #SundaySmile shares funny stories from the horse racing world…

Jokes about horse racing

The Shetland Pony Grand National … madness in miniature!

Who’s racing whom?
An elderly gentleman finally achieved his lifelong ambition and bought a race horse. But it didn’t seem to have much energy, so the old man got the vet in to look at him.
“This horse is very old,” said the vet.
“But will I be able to race him?” asked the old man.
“I expect so,” replied the vet. “And you’ll probably win.”

Bigger than…
A Texan racehorse trainer was visiting Newmarket, and got chatting with an English trainer in a pub. They were discussing the size of training facilities in America versus those in the UK.
“You know, I get on my saddle horse in the morning, and I could ride him all day long and still not get around the whole of our property,” bragged the Texan.
“Yes,” replied the British trainer. “I had a horse like that once.”

Very alarming
Three stable lads at a racing yard were always playing cards when the Head Lad wasn’t around. One day he was tiptoeing by and saw them, so he thought he would give them a fright to teach them a lesson. He rang the fire alarm bell three times, then waited to watch their reaction.
To his amazement, nothing happened. Then, a couple of minutes later, the barman from the pub across the road arrived in the yard with three pints of beer.

Baby’s nose
A National Hunt jockey was in bed with his wife, reading his copy of Horse & Hound. He glanced up and looked at the couple’s baby, who had a slight cold. She was in her cot by the bed.
“Baby’s nose is running again,” he commented, returning to Horse & Hound.
His wife snorted. “That’s all you ever think about – racing!”

Horse racing jokes

I follow the herd – jockey or not.

Foreign climes
In darkest Arabia, a sheikh needed to make a journey across the desert. He didn’t have a horse to hand so he decided to expropriate one from a nearby group of Nomads.
Two suitable horses were found, but neither of the owners wanted to give theirs up and each said his horse was useless.
“Right,” said the sheikh, “you will race your horses, and I will have the winner.”
“All they’ll do is hold their horses back,” pointed out one of the sheikh’s entourage.
“No they won’t,” replied the sheikh. “Get each man to ride the other one’s horse.”

Amateur dramatics
A rather green but very wealthy racing enthusiast was thrilled when he heard that Jimmy Riddle, a big winner over the sticks that season, had come up for sale. “That’s great news for me as I’ve always wanted to own a racehorse,” he said to the owner, “but why do you want to sell him when’s doing so well?”
“Oh,” said the horse’s owner, “I’m fed up with him. He’s so vain, and such an actor! Last time out he was winning by several lengths and would you believe, he slowed down to a canter at the end just so he’d be on camera for a photo finish! And he even made sure his head was turned just the right way so the camera would get his best profile!”
“I don’t care if he’s Sean Connery,” said the racing enthusiast, “I’ll take him.”
They went up to Jimmy Riddle’s box and the owner put on his headcollar, ready to lead him out into the yard. “Okay, Jimmy,” the owner said loudly. “Now show this nice man your best impression of a lame horse.”

An incredibly wealthy foreign racing stable owner was known to have a particular dislike of cigarette smoking. One day he was in the UK, touring his magnificent yard near Newmarket and caught a young lad smoking in the tackroom. Immediately the owner pointed out that the penalty for smoking was instant dismissal, and asked the lad how much he earned. The lad quickly said £200 a week.
The owner fished £800 in cash out of his pocket, thrust it into the lad’s hand and said, “right, there’s a month’s wages, you’re sacked.” The young lad took the money and left.
It was only much later that the owner discovered the lad was a delivery boy who worked for their saddlery supplier, and had been waiting in the tackroom while the yard manager wrote out a receipt for 20 pairs of reins.

That’s business
The very wealthy owner of a huge bloodstock stud welcomed his new son-in-law into the family. “Jeremy,” he said, “to show how much I love my daughter and value you as her husband, I have just made you a 50-50 partner in the stud business. All you have to do is to come in every day and learn about horses and breeding.”
“But I can’t stand horses,” said the son-in-law. “They bite and kick. And they smell.”
“Very well,” said the father-in-law. “You can work in the stud office and manage the administration.”
“I hate office work,” replied the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable stud, but you don’t like horses and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

Funny stories about horse racing

Somewhat streamlined racehorses!

Wee problem
A private school had arranged a wonderful excursion for its younger pupils in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th forms – a trip to a local point-to-point race meeting. The children were accompanied by two female teachers. After enjoying their lunchtime picnic, the teachers reckoned that the children should visit the portable toilets before the races began. It was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys thought it better to remain outside while they did their business. However after a couple of minutes one of the 3rd form boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Deciding that her duty to the pupils should over-ride modesty, the teacher went into the gents toilet area and began lifting each boy up, her arms hoisting them under their armpits. She worked her way down the line and when she reached one particular boy, she couldn’t help but notice that he was, shall we say, very mature for his age.
“You must be in the 4th,” she commented to him, trying hard not to stare.
“No, I’m in the 6th riding Masterson Shadow, actually,” he replied. “But thanks for the lift.”

Stable quiz
Two jockeys, a racing trainer and a young stable lad were chatting in the tackroom while waiting for a hailstorm to end. The storm went on and on and eventually all were getting bored.
“I know,” said the trainer. “Let’s do a quiz.” The others agreed and the trainer wracked his brains for a question that wouldn’t be too taxing. “Okay,” he said, “I’ll buy a pint for the first one who answers this one correctly. Complete the phrase ‘old MacDonald had a……’
“House!” shouted the first jockey.
“No, that’s not quite right,” smiled the trainer. “Let’s try again. Old MacDonald had a…..’
“Stable!” yelled the second jockey.
“No,” said the trainer, “that’s not quite right either. Let’s have another go. Old MacDonald had a……….’
“Farm!” shrieked the stable lad.
“Well done!” said the trainer. “And for another pint, how do you spell that?”
The three contestants looked at each other blankly, then the stable lad piped up.
“I know,” he said triumphantly. “E-I-E-I-O!”

If you think either of these little books would make a good Christmas gift for someone you know, read on…

The Horse Lover’s Joke Book
Click here to find it on Amazon

Horse jokes by Suzan St Maur

The Pony Lover’s Joke Book
Click here to find it on Amazon
pony humour by Suzan St Maur

And for more written humour and other elements of horsiness, check out this category here on HTWB.

What funny stories can you share from your knowledge of horse racing?

Let’s see them!

Shetland pony Grand National image thanks to Peter Facey.