Horsey jokes you’ll love, because you need a sense of humour…

Do you love, hate, or tolerate horses? Know someone else who loves them? Whatever your feelings you may as well laugh … and here are some useful opportunities.

The following is a sneak preview of one of my favourite jokes in my forthcoming book, 500 horse laughs for humans … to be published later this year with illustrations by the one and only Roger Penwill whose work is truly superb.

Jokes about horsesIt’s the sequel to my iconic, lovely, popular title The Horse Lover’s Joke Book which has sold nearly into the 6 figures ( a lot for a niche book) and continues to make horsey families laugh even 18 years after it was published.

Today, in the aftermath of International Women’s Day, here is some advice for young women making that tricky choice between their horse, and their boyfriend…

Why horses are better than boyfriends

Horses’ feet and shoes usually don’t smell too bad, unlike a boyfriend’s stinky socks and trainers

You can’t turn a boyfriend out into the field when you want some peace and quiet

You’re not likely to have to put up with a horse’s mum, dad, brothers and sisters at Christmas time

Your horse always thinks you look great, even when you haven’t straightened your hair

Horses do not normally play, or watch on TV, football, rugby or other boring sports

Horses do not need to be entertained by PlayStation, Wii, Xbox or other electronic activities

Your girlfriends won’t have any interest in chatting up your horse

Your horse won’t get jealous if you take your friend’s horse out alone for a hack

Horses are not interested in shaving their heads or getting tattoos, body piercings, rings through their earlobes the diameter of the Euro Tunnel, or nose septum rings the size of door knockers.

If you want to dump a horse, you just sell it or put it out on loan, and usually it won’t mind

You won’t get upset if your horse forgets to send you a Valentine’s card

After you’ve sold or loaned your horse, you know it won’t phone or send you miserable texts at 3 o’clock in the morning

You know your horse would never dump you – well, not in that way, anyway

Horses’ friends are not normally loud and shouty, and don’t ignore you

Horses do not normally get big problems with zits

You’ll never have to stand out in the pouring rain to watch your horse play soccer, football, baseball or rugby

Horses do not play drums or loud guitar music in terrible rock bands

Horses do not have small, tinny hatchback cars with 900 watts’ worth of stereo system blaring

Horses’ stables are not littered with a half-metre depth of empty Coke cans, week-old, mouldy takeaway fast-food leftovers, books, laptops and dirty laundry

Why boyfriends are better than horses

Feeding your boyfriend a McDonalds is a lot easier and warmer than trying to tie up a haynet in the dark on a freezing night

If your boyfriend goes lame or gets ill, your parents won’t need to pay his vet’s bills

If your boyfriend gets tummy ache, you won’t need to walk him around and around a chilly yard until the vet gets there

Your boyfriend will usually get someone else to clip his hair, and you don’t have to pay for it

Boyfriends are much less likely to mistake your new blonde hair extensions for yummy hay and so won’t be inclined to eat them

Boyfriends don’t normally object to getting into a trailer or lorry

Boyfriends are usually (but not always) easier for non-horsey parents to understand

You can communicate with a boyfriend without using more than one or two aids

Boyfriends buy their own shoes, brush their own hair and go to the dentist by themselves

Boyfriends will come indoors out of a muddy, rainy field without you having to go and fetch them

What are your favourite horsey jokes? Please share!

And while you’re waiting for its sequel but want a lovely low-cost gift for a horsey friend, colleague or relative, The Horse Lover’s Joke Book is still making people laugh, as I mentioned.

If you keep horses, you need a sense of humour. As someone once asked, “how do you make a small fortune out of horses?” The reply was, “Start with a large fortune.”

And much as that may seem funny, it’s usually true…!