“Moi” with the delightful “Merrylegs”
who wanted to bite my fingers
but decided against it…
Horse jargon is spreading beyond horsey types, although some journalists try to use it and get it wrong, hence making prize fools of themselves, especially when writing articles about equestrian Gold Medallists and Zara Phillips, the UK Queen’s grand-daughter who is a wonderful rider and must grit her teeth when she reads the cr*p such journalists write about her.
Here is a brief look at some new horsey terms that might give those journalists a bit more than a run for their money. Read on for some good (horse) laughs…
Appaloose: breed of horse known particularly for its fondness for breaking its lead rope when tied to the trailer at shows and galloping about the showground causing chaos
Brouches: breeches which have inexplicably become painfully tight after having hung unused in your wardrobe for a few years
Collected banter: the pace at which your farrier tells you all the latest gossip from other yards where he works
Crab biting: a condition whereby the horse crib bites sideways
Crass country: a new, politically correct equestrian discipline in which competitors jump obstacles common in urban areas e.g. abandoned stolen cars, stacked supermarket trolleys, dumped milk crates and large, heaped collections of discarded McDonalds cartons
Dirth: a girth which – though long enough in winter months – is inexplicably found to be too short, usually in the late spring when ponies have been stuffing themselves on rich grass
Dithers: the place where the withers should be, but can’t be seen or felt, on a fat pony
Faminitis: a disease suffered by many equids, particularly ponies, causing them to escape from their boxes and attempt to raid the feed bins
Fatlocks: those over-sized plaits you angrily create on the morning of a show, cursing yourself for having forgotten to pull the horse’s mane the previous day
Forelicks: the anticipatory slobbering your dogs do while waiting for the farrier’s trimmings from your horse’s feet
Gollops: the clods of mud flicked into your face by the horse in front while you are all galloping across a damp field
Heck joint: the bony protrusion on a young horse’s hind leg that hits you in the chin when you’re trying to pick his or her hind foot up and causes you to utter an expletive
Horsehuge: a type of partly-fermented forage specially formulated for Shires, Clydesdales, Suffolk Punches, Percherons, other heavy breeds and heavyweight hunters exceeding 17.2hh
Hunting stuck: a type of neckwear worn by anxious riders who forget the dressage test they should be performing and regret the fact they have not employed the services of a caller
Loungeing: Lungeing a lazy horse on a hot sunny day
Mad fever: a personality disorder suffered by horse owners as a result of walking about for prolonged periods in wet, muddy fields chasing after a horse which will not be caught
Nosebend: the shape your nose assumes when your horse has raised its head suddenly in alarm at the same moment that you lean forward
Poobald: a grey horse or pony which has taken a nap in an unskipped-out box after you have bathed him or her ready for a show
Shoulder on: a dressage movement performed by an owner whose horse has shoved him or her up against the wall of the box while eating and refuses to move out of the way
Strongles: a painful condition of the rider’s hands as the result of habitually riding a horse that pulls or leans on the bit
Sweat itch: a condition whereby the horse, having sweated up while being worked, insists on scratching his or her head on the just-dismounted rider’s backside
Thoroughdread: a thoroughbred horse who has just noticed a plastic bag that’s caught in the hedge and which is now flapping in the wind
Tornout rug: a lightweight rug worn by turned-out horses who enjoy picking and eating brambles out of the hedge or reaching for greener grass on the other side of a barbed wire fence
Warpblood: a warmblood with an intense dislike of tractors who has just spotted one coming up the road while out on a hack and takes off at Mach 1 or more
Working haunter: the invisible ghost lurking in the bushes behind “E” in your outdoor manege, that causes your horse to spook nearly every time you pass by it
All of the above excerpted from my best-selling (yes, genuinely, no Amazon scams…) The Horse Lover’s Joke Book, available on most Amazons, in bookshops and equestrian retail outlets all over the place.
While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family – from just $2.50
Pic of me and bolshie little pony a.k.a. Merrylegs thanks to Aaron Wood Photography.
Thoughts