How to, er, live with cats…

Whether you love cats or hate them, they form a major part of many people’s lives. Here are some short stories about the ways in which some people cope – or not … enjoy!

How to, er, live with cats

All dressed up in our tuxedos … but no place to go. So how about some food?

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the door to leave.

The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. So the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife didn’t want the taxi driver to know the house was going to be empty, so explained to him that her husband would be out soon.  “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “Stupid old b*tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.  I hauled her fat *ss downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!’

The taxi driver hit a parked car.

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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! The man kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man called home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answered, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that S.O.B. on the phone. I’m lost and need directions.”

*  *  *  *  *

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

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Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family.

The sauce was the highlight of the evening’s topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead.

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, “Oh my God, it’s the mushroom sauce!”

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience.

When we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and had given birth to four kittens.

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Have you got a favorite cat joke? Please share it with us!