Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy dog

Thinking of getting a fluffy puppy dog to brighten your family’s life? Here’s all you need to know to get ready…LOL…

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

Even the cutest of small puppies have teeth like needles. A more positive option is to use them to drill holes in leather goods that need lacing up.

Buy a pair of really expensive shoes (Gucci or Jimmy Choo are ideal). Bring them home, remove from box and place on chopping board.  Beat several times with meat tenderising hammer, then clip around edges with pinking shears. Laugh and throw them away.

Take your best white shirt or blouse from the wardrobe. Put it on, go out into garden on a rainy evening and splash liberally with mud. Observe the “dry clean only” label and smile.

Put your new duvet cover and bed linen on your bed. Buy a juicy beef shin bone from the local butcher’s and bury as deep as you can in the duvet. Scramble around the whole bed and see if you can make all the bedclothes and pillows into a huge pile on top of the bone.

Take a cheese grater from the kitchen. Apply it powerfully several times, rubbing it up and down, to the flounces on your brand new sofa in the living room. Admire the shreds as they fall to the floor.

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

Forget using anything made of paper for at least 12 months, if not longer.

Make sure you have enough in the way of laptops, tablets and smartphones to cover all your reading needs in the coming months. Ensure that you have the apps for as many reliable news service as possible. Resolve to be comfortable with the fact that from now on newspapers, magazines, books, etc. are for weeing on or for chewing up.

Rip up all carpets and wood or real wood flooring from your home and replace with good, old-fashioned, “easy wash” linoleum.

Hire an electrician to remove all electrical wall sockets from skirting board level and replace them at (human) shoulder height. Then remove all objects, including table lamps, from tables and other surfaces and suspend them from the ceilings.

Remove all food storage elements and, similarly, suspend them from the ceiling, including vegetable racks, canned food stores, fridges and freezers, waste bins and waste disposal units. This is especially important if you are getting a Labrador puppy.

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

Say goodbye to socks and slippers. Instead go barefoot and deal with the pain.

Talk your partner and children into abandoning socks and slippers as conventional footwear. Persuade them to wear Dutch wooden clogs barefoot instead, although these will require replacement at frequent intervals.

Put your cat or cats into immediate psychotherapy (especially Oriental breeds, e.g. Siamese and Burmese). Show them pictures and videos of delightful, gambolling puppies and movies like “101 Dalmatians.” Practice making effective puppy noises like high-pitched woofs and growls. Cover a wooden spoon with fake fur and smack them with it over their noses several times a day. Prepare a sanctuary for them on top of a high cupboard or tall wardrobe, or suspend something strong and inviting from the ceiling (see above, literally).

Finally, abandon all hopes of a tidy home for a period 12 – 84 months, tending towards the higher figure in the case of such breeds as Labradors, Boxers, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Dalmatians and especially English and Irish Setters.

What happens when you rescue puppies … by Suze from HTWB

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

It’s very important to ensure you never let your puppies or adult dogs up on the furniture in your living room, or they will think they own the place. (On the other hand, it’s quite good for your posture to lie on the floor.)

Another handy hint…

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

And under no circumstances ever allow your puppies or adult dogs to share your bed, or the bed of anyone else in your family. (Unless you have a bed that’s at least two metres wide.)

What disasters has your home experienced from the arrival of a puppy?

Please share!