How to write bloody awful LinkedIn posts and comments

Are you fed up with all these mealy-mouthed advice posts and tutorials telling you how to write for social media like LinkedIn so you’ll just be successful at it like all the other sheep in the flock? Yes? Then this is the mini-tutorial for you.

How to write bloody awful LinkedIn posts and comments

LinkedIn is all about selling, not namby-pamby business acumen exchange.

If you want to do it badly, here’s how to do it so  badly it will make Jeff Weiner burst into tears. You ready? Let’s go…

First, your LinkedIn profile

Make sure it’s all about you.

Especially if you run your own small or micro business, it’s essential that you share every last detail about how you were fired from a corporate job, scratched around looking for another job then decided to start your own button-matching service, and how your 85-year-old grandma is still around to guide you when buying buttons.

Avoid mentioning what your button-matching service might do to help customers – after all, you don’t want to give your competitors any free ideas, do you?

Be careful not to share any contact information, email addresses, or phone numbers in your LinkedIn profile.

You don’t want time-wasters pestering you with enquiries about your business.

Ensure that you don’t share anything that might give anyone a sneaky look into what you are like as a person – a human being.

LinkedIn is purely a business platform so anything that might give prospective customers a glimpse of what you are like, as the person behind the brand, is a definite no-no.

Following on from the above, whatever you do don’t forget that despite LinkedIn being “social media” it has no connection whatsoever with personal or other non-business topics: LinkedIn members are purely interested in $$$ / £££ and couldn’t care less what or who you are out of office hours.

Now, what about LinkedIn groups?

This is where you really can get your wagon rolling.

First of all, forget all this touchy-feely cr*p about sharing information and advice.

LinkedIn is all about selling, not namby-pamby business acumen exchange.

Make sure you join as many groups as you can – if possible not just any old groups likely to want to buy your stuff, but also groups in your locality who are gagging to know your latest offers and deals.

Then, generate posts that link straight to your website, preferably to a landing page that gets them clicking on that “buy now” even faster.

What to avoid in LinkedIn groups

Sharing useful information that isn’t about selling your stuff. 

This is just a waste of your time, because it doesn’t immediately drive traffic to your site.

The fact that it might help you build up trust and a relationship with interested readers is all fine and dandy, but doesn’t pay the rent.

Commenting usefully on others’ posts and links.

Who the hell cares what someone else thinks, and what you might have to add to that information?

This is getting away from the sales model and frankly, no-one should be wasting time on it on LinkedIn.

If someone comments on a post you have shared…

…whatever you do, don’t respond to it.

The last thing you want to do is open up a dialogue about some inane business issue that doesn’t directly promote your product or service.

And, opening up such a dialogue might encourage the other party to seek a connection with you on LinkedIn. Heaven forbid – they’re probably yet more time wasters.

Don’t give away useful advice and information for free

Even though you’re an experienced business person, why share any of your experience and skills with anyone else on LinkedIn?

Especially considering that you won’t get paid for it?

And even if you notice, on your travels through LinkedIn groups and on the home page, that someone is asking for advice on something you can help with – beware.

These young, inexperienced kids are always on the take.

Avoid endorsing people you know for what they’re good at

…even if you know perfectly well that they are brilliant at whatever. After all, no-one on LinkedIn takes endorsements seriously, do they? They’re just a facility LinkedIn provides to help everyone massage each others’ egos.

However, you might think it’s worthwhile to endorse people you hardly know for skills you have no idea about, in case they might one day be useful to you anyway.

NOW … what to publish on LinkedIn Pulse!

Yay – what you’ve all been waiting for!

Now that all of us (or most of us) have the right to publish articles on LinkedIn Pulse, it’s essential to avoid that BIG mistake of publishing full-length  articles or blog posts.

Who needs or wants to read more than a few lines of promotion for an event, website or other sales opportunity?

That’s right … no-one.

So make sure whatever you publish as a post on LinkedIn Pulse consists of just a few lines with lots of links to whatever you’re selling, and as little explanatory information as possible.

So – what advice do you have for writing bloody awful LinkedIn content?

Please share!

PS … if you’re looking for a cool, inexpensive little gift for the horse-loving folks in your life, how about one of these? Available on all the Amazons. Click on the images to go to…

The Horse Lover's Joke Book by Suzan St Maur

Number 1 Amazon category best seller in the UK for 14 years! And it’s an “organic” best seller, too – no Amazon sales rank manipulation…

The Pony Lover's Joke Book by Suzan St Maur

The sequel to The Horse Lover’s Joke Book – all about ponies, but the jokes are for the whole family (especially those long suffering parents…)