How to write truly nauseating tweets and updates

write,tweets,updates,nauseating,funny jokes, hilarious

Here’s my little Sweetie nibbling at his breakfast – isn’t he adorable?

I spend a lot of time on the social media and am fascinated with the banality and downright lies some people post. Here, then, is my tribute to some of the more cringe-making posts we see…

The wakeup call
Morning everyone, just off to the first of 17 meetings today after checking 106 emails and eating a healthy breakfast of wheat chaff, diced poison ivy root and ass’s milk. Busy, busy!

The start to the week
Hey, it’s Monday! Can’t wait to get going with this business week after a weekend of running two full marathons and climbing Ben Nevis. What did you get up to?

The brownnoser
Just off to see my gorgeous, yummy, clever, generous, philanthropic prospective client so we can sign that nice, low-priced little contract for the next 12 months. Can’t wait!

The bullshitter
Hey, celebrate with us – our busiest month ever! BUT WAIT A MINUTE, WE’RE NOT SO BUSY THAT WE CAN’T FIT YOU AND YOUR PROJECT IN. TODAY. NOW, EVEN. JUST CALL US.

The end of the week
TGIF! What exciting thrills and social excitement have you got planned for the weekend? If I can get up off my ass at all I’m going to paint my bathroom, but don’t you dare tell anybody.

The Photoshopper
Share my utterly breathtaking, creative and totally natural photo with colors so exaggerated they’ll blind you after 10 seconds.

The cat lover
Here’s my little Sweetie nibbling at his breakfast – isn’t he adorable?

The straight talker
Read my new blog. End of.

The marketer
Why my product is a million times better than what all the other spammers are selling. Click here now!!!!

The quotes merchant
“Never let yourself be quoted on Twitter. It sucks.” William Shakespeare.

The hashtag hunter
Buy my stuff #men #women #gorillas #anthropomorphisedanimals #donkeys #camels #amoebae #anyoneelseihaventcovered

The news reporter
Latest from the Daily Mail: Queen Victoria is dead.

The opportunist
Need a guru? Check out our new guru register at http://gurus4us.com

The guilt monger
I feel suicidal, boyfriend dumped me, landlord won’t fix the roof, dog crapped on the carpet. Hope you’re having a good evening.

The crusader
Please like and share this petition to stop sewer rats chewing through electrical cables NOW! Your domestic electricity future depends on it! We can stop the little bastards!

write,tweets,updates,nauseating,funny jokes, hilarious

Isn’t this just the greatest infographic? You may need to project it on a 3 x 2 meter screen before you can decipher anything but hey. It’s cool, huh?

The infographic freak
Isn’t this just the greatest infographic? You may need to project it on a 3 x 2 meter screen before you can decipher anything but hey. It’s cool, huh? All those little blobs and scrawls and shit?

The long winded poster
I want to share my views on carp fishing which as Wikipedia says … “can be found in many different types of water. Many find rivers to provide some of the most challenging, but rewarding, fishing. For rivers that connect directly with the ocean, the largest carp often reside in the stretch between the beginning of the tidal influence and where the salinity becomes intolerable to the carp. For example, a carp of 42.03 pounds was caught from the tidal stretch of the lower…” what? My post has been truncated?

blog,writing,news,blogging,businessWhat are the funniest social media posts you have seen recently? Please share them so we can all have a good laugh (and learn what not to write in future!)

 

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