Humor from the wonderful George Burns: what a legend!

Following on from my very popular curation article of Bob Hope’s priceless humor, let’s now celebrate the equally hilarious humor of one of Hope’s contemporaries: George Burns.

Humor from George Burns

The irrepressible American funny man George Burns: 100 years of humor

George Burns’ most classic quotes…

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name’s not there, I eat breakfast.

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

And God said ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.’

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn’t addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.

And for younger readers, who was George Burns?

With the exception of a few years at either end, George Burns lived right across the twentieth century. Here’s his bio in a nutshell from IMDb.com

George Burns was born on January 20, 1896 in New York City, New York, USA as Nathan Birnbaum. He was an actor and producer, known for Oh, God! (1977), Going in Style(1979) and The Sunshine Boys (1975). He was married to Gracie Allen and Hannah Siegel. He died on March 9, 1996 in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, California, USA.

He had an amazing life – read on here for more details and hilarious quotes.

With many thanks to…

Brainyquote.com and AZquotes.com for their kind loan of selected George Burns quotes.

 

 

 

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