How not to, er, write about faults on a commercial jetliner…

If you’re a little twitchy about flying United at the moment, take a look at this humorous list of maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (P) and solutions suggested by maintenance technicians (T) purportedly recorded by employees of an airline which, er, shall remain nameless.

How not to write airplane faults on HTWB

A very old image of what it may have been like to fly United in the past. Strangely, this may now be appropriate once again, especially on an over-booked flight…

The idea is that after every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells technicians about problems with the aircraft. The technicians correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

So what do these pilots and technical crews write about faults?

Never let it be said that technical crews lack a sense of humour, even in the case of the somewhat humour-starved United.

Remember, it’s “P” for Pilot and “T” for technician…

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
T: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
T: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
T: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
T: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
T: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
T: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
T: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
T: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
T: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
T: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
T: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
T: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
T: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
T: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
T: Took hammer away from midget

What other complaints do you think pilots should write to their technical ground crews?

Please share your comments here!

For more humour on HWTB click right here … enjoy!


Image: with many thanks to its original creator. I can’t find you but please let us know your details so we can credit you properly.