If you spam in English, FFS learn how to write it first

Do you spit fur and feathers when you get a spam-mail that insults your website’s performance … in bad, incorrect English? I do. I know I should just hit the delete key but these people’s conceited belligerence brings out the Taurean beast in me, as well as my writer’s indignancy at their often ridiculous use of our crazy language.

If you spam in English, FFS learn how to write it first

Do yourselves a favour: hire a native English language copywriter to rewrite your mailshots so at least some English speakers might take you seriously.

Jenny finds my website “very perspective” and it could soon disappear from search

Our Jenny Jones works for a company called Semalt.com, based in the Ukraine (or maybe Russia.) Here’s how she thought she could bully me into submission, notwithstanding the fact that her English is laughable…

It’s Jenny from Semalt.
I see your activity on the dashboard. Are you interested in increasing your website rankings on Google?
I reviewed your website and I find it very perspective, but I see that it’s losing traffic and has numbers of serious errors… You have to do something while your website disappears from search. We could help you to reach Google TOPs in a couple of months already.
I’d like to explain you all the situation that you have today and advice you some steps how you can fix it.
How about we set up a call? Please write me your contact number.
I’m waiting for your quick reply!
Thank you!
Jenny Jones
Key Account Manager at Semalt

Well, shiver my timbers (Work that one out in Ukrainian or Russian, Jenny.) My website is doing very well, thank you, and don’t you dare try to scare people like me into believing your crap.

What Jenny needs to learn about writing spam in English

I know I shouldn’t reply to spam like this because it only encourages the spammers to view me as a “live” victim, but I really couldn’t resist the following…

Hi Jenny
Do yourselves a favour: hire a native English language copywriter to rewrite your mailshots.
Your version is full of mistakes in English and doesn’t fool anyone, other than perhaps other people who don’t speak English well.
If you’re intent on mailing English language countries, however, what you’ve written will only piss them off, as it does for me.
And no, I’m not offering to do it for you, nor would I recommend any of my colleagues.

And more spam about How To Write Better that made my blood boil…

This, like our Jenny’s frivolous assumptions about HTWB (my website and my second child, hence my sensitivity…LOL!) was totally erroneous as well as laughably wrong in its English.

Digital Marketing has become a delicate division for brand visibility. While going through your website we observed some important elements which can act as an eye opener for you and need to be handled elegantly to get topmost outcome.
Please find some of the factors mentioned below which is affecting your website performance:
– Variable and unique Contents will ensure better informative site.
– Your business is not active in diverse social media platforms.
– Low indexing of webpages in Google SERPs
– Imperfect mobile responsive site blocks viewers from several platforms.
– Internal and external linking of your website need to be initiated.
There are many other factors which need to be sorted out. Everybody wants to increase the traffic flow for their website or drive returns and I am sure you are also looking for the same. Well, with a massive experienced Team we succeeded in providing complete web assistance that yields real time solutions.
We cover all the major factors of promotion under single umbrella starting from error fixation, keywords ranking, online PR, Social media promotion etc. This e-mail provides you with a glimpse of some of the services which we offered from our company.
If you require any sort of website assistance or if you have any query about our services then kindly contact us back.
We will be waiting for your response.
Chris Parker
Site Analyst /Digital Marketing

You’ll be proud of me when I say my written response was, er, restrained…

Hi Chris
Have a look at what I wrote to Jenny.
Your English isn’t quite as bad as hers, but there are still quite a few hints that your English wasn’t learned in a native-speaking country.
If you’re going to spam, why on earth can’t you at least pay a native-speaking copywriter to make sure you’re not making utter idiots of yourselves?
Or are you only concerned to get business from other poor English speakers?
I lament: it would be so easy to get it right, and yet it’s this easy to get wrong.
And don’t look at me – or my colleagues whose expertise I value – to get you out of this doo-doo.
Don’t be such tight-wads: make the investment.
Then at least more people in the English-language markets might, just might, take you spammers seriously.
Otherwise they won’t which probably is what you deserve anyway.

OK, it’s spam. But many people take this sh*ite seriously.

What can we do to stop – or at least temper – what innocent business and other people are expected to believe?

Many folks out there don’t realise such stuff is spam, and take it seriously.

To be fair, there is a slim chance that some of it might, even, be worthwhile exploring. But conveyed in this way it shoots itself straight through the foot.

What advice can you share to help people – especially those who are English-as-a-2nd-language speakers – filter out these ridiculous, laughable emails that they really should NOT take seriously … and benefit from websites and other resources that really CAN help them?

Your comments please…






  1. I’ve never gotten a spam written in decent English. Somebody may have told these people that mistakes are “endearing”. Um, no. No, they’re not.

    • You’re right there, Michael! Someone told me that the spammers get their results from people and businesses where English is only spoken very badly, so they don’t notice the poor English in the spam. Also from the spam I get on here you can see that a lot of them are using spinning software – that’s usually where you get the funniest ones…