Introducing Engli-Verse: the language is crazy, but at least it rhymes

As the weekend is approaching you might like to relax for a couple of minutes with the first in a series of poems that glorify the more ridiculous things about the English language and the things we English-speakers talk about. Enjoy.

The Plug-ged Sink

Introducing Engli-Verse

Oh, curs-ed spite*, we’re in the shite. The kitchen sink is plug-ged…

Oh, curs-ed spite*, we’re in the shite
The kitchen sink is plug-ged
That greasy pan whose yuk just swam
Right down the drain? It’s b*ggered.

That’s all we need, indeed, indeed
When guests are due for dinner
How can I drain the leafs romaine
And use my salad spinner?

I know, I know, it’s not as though
This issue is life threatening
But bloody hell, it’s just as well
Our guests are so unquestioning.

What can I do, when wading through
Grease water to my elbows
While trying to serve the chilled hors d’oeuvres
With hands like a dirty hobo’s?

OK, let’s try to be a bit sly
And use that plunger pumper
Guess what? It failed and promptly baled
Six gallons up my jumper.

Right: now’s the time to beat the grime
And take this b*stard seriously
Pour caustic soda down its stoma
And blast its b*lls just viciously.

Yee Hah! Guess what? We kicked its butt
At last we’ll get the food we love
But wait a tick, I forgot to flick
The “on” switch on our kitchen stove.

Sorry folks, it’s time to coax
Our nearest barbecue guru
Get grilling now and cook somehow
While I search out a corkscrew.

Here, have some wine; it’s mighty fine
And looks a damned sight tastier
Than the filthy drink that was in my sink
Plus pouring it’s much easier.

*From Omelette, by William Shakespeare.

© Suzan St Maur 2016

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