Jokes about poultry: feathered feasts on the menu

If you like poultry and eating it in good restaurants, as I do, you’ll love this small excerpt of foodie jokes from my eBook “The Food Lover’s Joke Book.”

chicken jokes

NASA: defrost the chicken first.

Les Volailles (Poultry)

Stricken chicken
In a small roadside bistro in rural Italy, two British tourists had pulled in to have lunch. Not wanting to admit that they spoke no Italian, the wife thought they’d be safe enough when they ordered “Pollo alla Ferrari.” It turned out to be chicken that had been run over by a sports car.

Cold turkey
A couple went to have dinner at a restaurant known for its house speciality, a turkey dish. “How exactly do you prepare the turkey?” asked the woman as the head waiter brought them their menus. “Well, ma’am,” he said, “we’re totally honest with it and tell it that it’s going to die.”

A wing and a prayer
Three sons grew up and left home, went out into the workplace and did very well. They decided to share their successes with their elderly mother, and soon after presenting her with their individual gifts they got together for a discussion.
The first son, Thomas, said, “I built our mother a large mansion.”
The second son, William, said, “I bought her a Mercedes with a chauffeur.
The third son, Oliver, smiled and said, “I’ve done better than both of you. Do you remember how Mother has always enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well?  So I bought her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 14 years to teach him. He cost a fortune, of course, but he’s unique. Mother just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon after this discussion, Mother sent out her letters of thanks. “Thomas,” she wrote to one son, “the mansion you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole place.”
“William,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home of the time, so I hardly ever use the Mercedes. And the driver is very rude.”
“Dearest Oliver,” she wrote to her third son, “you are intelligent enough to know your old mother’s simple pleasures in life. That chicken was delicious.”

Size matters
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. Somewhat harassed and irritated, she asked the shelf stacker, “do these chickens get any bigger?”
He replied, “No, ma’am, I’m afraid not. They’re dead.”

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Bird alert
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and various other aircraft, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windscreen, and begged the American scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a 1-line email: “Defrost the chicken first.”

chicken jokes

“You are intelligent enough to know your old mother’s simple pleasures in life. That chicken was delicious.”

Brace yourself
Two English farmers had a major dispute over land ownership and eventually the whole thing went to County Court. George, one of the farmers, was a wily old fellow and everyone in the village knew that he had been the transgressor, but his lawyer was amazed when he won the case. When he asked George why he thought the judge had found in his favour, George said, “Simple. I sent the judge a brace of pheasant.” The lawyer was horrified, of course, and said he could have been prosecuted for attempted bribery – as well as losing his case. George just smiled and said, “ah, yes, but I sent them in the other farmer’s name.”

Gobble trouble
Going into confession with a turkey in his arms, Seamus said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Seamus sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Seamus hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence.
When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

What are your favourite foodie jokes?

Please share!