Jokes for your summer holiday / vacation – when you need a sense of humor

With many of us in the northern hemisphere about to go on holiday / vacation, it can be time when a sense of humor truly is called for. Here are some short anecdotes to cheer you up in readiness…

Desert island

A man decided to fulfil his ambition and take a long, solitary sailing holiday. He bought a superb forty-foot yacht and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. Luckily, he found himself swept up on the shore of an island. However there were no other people, no supplies, nothing at all except bananas and coconuts.

summer holiday jokes on How To Write Better

Jokes for your summer vacation – when you need a sense of humor

After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to him. In amazement he asked her, “where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Unbelievable,” he said. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replied the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from another tree.”

“But, … but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found if I fired it to a high temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware fittings.”

The man was speechless.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she said and after a few minutes of rowing, she tied up the boat at a small quay. As the man looked beyond the beach, he couldn’t believe his eyes. There was a stone pathway leading to a beautiful bungalow painted blue and white. As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but it’s home. Do sit down; can I get you a drink?”

“No thank you,” he said, dazed. “Couldn’t cope with any more coconut milk.”

“It’s not coconut milk,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Daiquiri?”

Still amazed, the man accepted and they sat down on her sofa. They exchanged their stories, and then the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a bath and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells sharpened to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end, inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he mused. “What will I find next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing just a few vine leaves in appropriate places, and smelled of a delicate floral scent. She sat down and beckoned him to join her on the sofa.

“Tell me,” she began, suggestively, “You have been on the island for ages now. You must have been very lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really want to do right now, something you’ve missed desperately all this time? You know…”  She gazed into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe his good fortune. “Surely, you don’t mean…” he paused, then continued. “Oh, how wonderful!  I can check my Facebook page from here…?”

Sweet thirst

A small group of tourists on an adventure holiday in the Sahara became separated from their guide and got lost in the desert. With the sun burning down on them, and knowing they wouldn’t survive for long, they made one last attempt to trek over the dunes and get back to the main group. In the distance, they spied what looked like a desert marketplace. Was it a mirage? No, as they approached, they saw that it really existed.

“Water, water, we need water,” cried the youngest and strongest of the group.

“Sorry,” said the trader. “I have only red jelly and cream.”

They rushed to the next stall. “Have you any water for us? Quick, before we die.”

“No,” said the stallholder. “I have only this pudding, made of jelly with custard on it.”

They rushed to the third stall. “Water, we need water, or any liquid, please.”

“Can’t help you,” said the market trader. “I have only raspberry jelly with whipped cream.”

Realising that all the stalls were selling desserts, the tourists staggered off, hoping for water elsewhere. “That was really strange,” gasped the youngest member of the group.

“Yes,” grunted another group member. “It was a trifle bazaar.”

Gone fishing

A couple went on holiday to a fishing resort in Muskoka, Ontario. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, but his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came an officer of the Ontario Provincial Police in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replied.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her.

“Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all the necessary equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and book you.”

“If you do that I will have you charged with rape,” snapped the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” said the officer indignantly.

“True,” replied the woman angrily, “but you, too, have all the necessary equipment.”

Near miss

A British couple were holidaying in the US and had been invited to shoot the rare and elusive North American quail in a southern state, with some American friends. The hunt progressed intensely and at one point, the British man and an American were blasting away near a clump of trees in a swamp. Suddenly an irate hunter popped his head over a wall and shouted, “hey, you almost hit my wife.’

“Good Lord, awfully sorry,” cried the Brit, horrified. “Here, you take a shot at mine. She’s over there.”

Tied up

A man travelling through the desert was desperate for water. After three days, he was on his hands and knees crawling along when he spotted a man coming towards him with a suitcase.  “Water,” cried the traveller, “ please! Water!”

“Sorry mate,” replied the man, opening his suitcase. “I haven’t any water to spare but I can sell you a tie if you like.”

“No, water, water!” gasped the traveller.

“Are you sure?” asked the man with the suitcase.

“Yes,” grunted the traveller, and he crawled onwards. A few hours later, he crawled up a sand dune and spotted a superb oasis just a few metres away, with a delicious, inviting pool of clear water plainly in view. The traveller crawled on until he stopped by the feet of the groundsman.

“Water, water!” gasped the traveller.

The groundsman was about the open the gate, but then looked at the traveller and stopped. “Sorry sir,” he said, “but we cannot admit gentleman unless they are wearing ties.”

Five day week

Many people believe that the five day week was invented by Robinson Crusoe, as he always managed to get all his work done by Friday.

Snake

A man had gone on a “get away from it all” holiday along the Amazon in South America. As he was picking his way carefully along he spotted a large snake. He circled the snake at a distance to start with, then closer and closer, until to his immense relief he realised that the “creature” was not a snake at all, but a mere stick.

“I was terrified,” he said to a fellow traveller in a bar later that night.

“Why?” asked the other traveller.  “ It was only a stick, after all.”

”Because before it dawned on me that it was just a stick, I picked up a stick to hit it with. And THAT was a snake!”

What’s your favorite vacation / holiday joke?

Please share it with us!

 

 

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