Puns for fun, part one

The Brits are known for their love of a play on words and silly puns. Probably the funniest champion of that style of humour was the late, great Tommy Cooper.

It’s silly humor and it tends to make people groan rather than laugh, but it’s refreshing in that it hardly ever uses swear words or vulgarisms – just harmless but amusing wordplays. For example…

Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

“Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
“Is it common? ”
“It’s not unusual.”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s wearing only clingfilm/saran as underwear. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.” “Well you can’t say fairer than that then”
Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.”
I said “Why?”
He said “My dog’s died.'”

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

So I phoned my local swimming pool. I said ‘Is that the local swimming pool?
‘He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

So I phoned a local building company, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.”
He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss phoned, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he phoned a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again…’  And I swerved again. He phoned a third time and said ‘You’re CEO.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.

Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.’

So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other “your round.”
The other one says “so are you, you fat bast**d!”

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

More smiles (and helpful ones, too):

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours




  1. Thelma Rusteberg says

    Enjoyed these what a laugh. Must be my British Genes

  2. Does that make him a comic “geneius”

  3. I’ve got some Tommy Cooper quotes at http://www.editormichael.com/?p=543

  4. About half of those jokes were written by british comedian, Tim Vine. I don’t think he still uses them in his act as he writes a new show every year but it would still be nice to credit him