Puns for fun, part two

As you probably saw here on HowToWriteBetter.net last week, we’re looking at the Brits’ love of a play on words and silly puns – made even more popular by the wonderful British comedian Tommy Cooper.

Here are some more!

A man walked into the doctor’s, the doctor said “I haven’t seen you in a long time.” The man replied “I know – I’ve been ill”

A man walked into the doctor’s, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said “well, don’t go there any more.”

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the highway with my girlfriend the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we’d take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any…

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s trying to pull a fast one”.

So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said “Well, I’ve been on TV but I’m no George Clooney”.

So I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a condiment”.

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I said “Do you want a game of darts?” He said “OK then.” I said “nearest to bull starts.” He said “Baa.” I said “Moo.” He said “you’re closest.”

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I phoned her and said “do you get my drift?”.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said “those are pickled onions.”

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and said “your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said “waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Marmite it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets.

So this guy says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought “that’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

So I called the phone company and said “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said “Not you again.”

So I was in the supermarket and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”

So a truck-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “that’s a turtle disaster”

More smiles (and they’re useful, too):

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours