Some (rude) quotes you can identify with

Writers are supposed to love quoting from famous poets and literary novelists, but with my dreadful sense of humour, I prefer the naughty quotes. Here are some that were sent to me recently…


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.  Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns  

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness … but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “SHUT UP.”  – Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

What’s your favourite naughty quote?

Let’s get you writing some quotes of your own!

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

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“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand




  1. Made me chuckle nicely this morning Suze, thanks

    One of my favourite quotes is often attributed to Winston Churchill – he’s in a train carriage slightly worse for wear when the lady occupant chastises him for being drunk – and he says “Madam, tomorrow I shall be sober but tomorrow, you will still be ugly”… Or something like that.

  2. Thelma Rusteberg says

    Nice chuckle Thank You!


  1. […] the rest of the quotes here, collected by Suzan StMaur, who inspired this […]