Lawyer jokes – written in all good faith, Your Honor…

Why do we love to make jokes about lawyers? Is it because they’ve got legal market sewn up and know that sooner or later we’ll need them and they can charge us a lot of money?Lawyer jokes - written in all good faith, Your Honor...some of our favorite lawyer jokes and why we love to laugh about them, here on How To Write Better HTWBOr is it because deep down we respect them for the many years of hard work they, like some other professionals (e.g. doctors) do before they can earn even a half-decent wage … never mind that if we’re in deep doo-doo often they can get us out of it?

Whatever the answer, here are a few of my favourite lawyer jokes to give you a smile for the day…

Is the grass greener?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine … when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man, he stated, “You come with us, too.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.-

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Ducks in a row

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’

The old farmer replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’

The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in this part of Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, ‘what is the Three Kick Rule?’

The farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old f*rt. Now it’s my turn.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Which is more terrifying?

A plane full of lawyers was heading for their annual Caribbean Convention when it was hijacked by a gang of terrorists. The plane was forced to land at Glasgow International Airport. The terrorists radioed to ground control with a huge list of demands.

‘And what if we can’t meet your demands?” quizzed the Chief Controller.

‘If you don’t do exactly as we say,’ threatened the terrorist, ‘We will release one lawyer every single hour.’

The offer you can’t refuse

A Mafia Godfather learned that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars.

The book-keeper was severely hearing-impaired. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogated the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brought along an attorney who knew sign language.

The Godfather asked the book-keeper, “Where’s the $10 million you stole from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asked the book-keeper where the $10 million is hidden.

The book-keeper signed back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney told the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulled out a 9mm pistol, put it to the book-keeper’s temple, cocked it and said, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signed to the book-keeper: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The book-keeper signed back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asked the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replied, “He says you don’t have the b*lls to pull the trigger.”

What’s your favourite lawyer joke?

Please share!