More silly jokes to make you snicker

Some of these jokes are real groaners but there are few here that made me spew my coffee all over the screen – so enjoy! Once again thanks to my good friend Eleanor S. for sharing …

medium_471661327My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death…

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

small__3537213022I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said “You’re obviously not listening.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “she’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to parallel-park the bloody thing.

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.

medium_3571867452Dimwit #1 “I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Blow that” says Dimwit #2, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

“Why are you talking into an envelope?”
“I’m sending you a voicemail.”

Just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 dimwits go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
“The film said 18 or over.”

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family…

photo credit: SteveWagner via photopin cc
photo credit: rady one ツ via photopin cc
photo credit: OakleyOriginals via photopin cc

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