New car models for 2015: a sneak preview

New car models for 2015: a sneak preview

The new BMW 666 – the devil’s own car to drive…

Do you love cars and the names the automotive industry spends millions on to think them up?

Thought you’d like to share this sneak preview I’ve been given of new car models due out in 2015 …

Please be warned that due to the commercial sensitivity of this list, you really must regard it as confidential …

…and, in places, not “safe for work…”

So, in alphabetical order:

BMW 101: the model for entry-level Beemer drivers.

BMW 666: one devil of a car to drive.

Bentley Pontinental: a politically correct version of the ever-popular Continental, fitted with on-board ice cream dispensers, burger bar, and a selection of fruit machines.

Buick LastCentury: where the Buick Century came from. A retro model much in demand by SteamPunks.

Chevy Cameo: a smaller, nostalgic version of the ever-popular Camaro. Chevy Limpala: a cheap-and-cheerful version of the Impala which will be a big hit amongst the low-budget buyers.

Citroën 2 CC: the Frenchies’ latest economy model fitted with a motor normally used to power model aircraft.

Corvette StingWay: a specially tuned-up model of this fast performer suitable for the heavy acceleration required when used as a getaway vehicle.

Dodge Fart: the eco-friendly update of this popular model which runs on methane gas extracted from grazing cattle.

Dodge ReCharger: the eco-friendly derivative of its earlier namesake.

Ford ConFusion: a relatively new model of Ford that can’t make up its mind whether it is eco-friendly or not.

Ford Siesta: a electrically powered model with top speed of 30 m.p.h., based the ever-popular Fiesta.

Honda Cervix: classic Honda Civic fitted with on-board machete, 9 mm handgun, Molotov cocktails and a selection of hand grenades – aimed at female motorists who become excitable during those girlie times of the month.

Honda Jizz: a special order model with fully reclining seats designed for motorists who practice the sexual high jinx commonly known as “dogging.”

Hyundai Tombstone: another special order model – this time of an SUV, suitable for conversion into a hearse.

Mercedes KKK: new model aimed solely at the southern United States market, fitted with a supply of white sheets and tall white hats.

Mini Blooper: BMW’s latest offering to Brits who really don’t get their weird adaptations of the original Mini concept and just want a, er, standard Mini.

Mitsubishi FreeLancer: new model offering pull-down tables, an onboard computer with internet access and living accommodation so it can be used as a mobile office as well as a home.

Mitsubishi Shotgun: new model offers bullet-proof glass and armor-plated bodywork, suitable for people engaged in the more hazardous professions.

Nissan Joke: an even more hideously bloated version of the bullfrog-like Juke, now offering 7 seats all with fitted whoopee cushions.

Nissan Parole: Nissan has responded to demands from various Prison Services for a vehicle with tracking equipment so newly discharged criminals can be monitored easily.

Nissan QashQow: SUV model especially popular with wealthy owners of fast-food outlets, casinos, etc.

Rolls Royce Ectoplasm: new model that transcends all other ghosts and spooks and is so amazing you can’t even see it.

Rolls Royce Haute Corniche: the original Corniche now fitted with on-board oxygen masks so it can be driven wherever needed in the Alps, Himalayas, Andes, Rockies, etc.

Subaru Impressionist: a softer, more aesthetic version of the original Impreza that allows you to drive to work and beyond while thinking pure, artistic, creative thoughts.

Toyota Corollary: Toyota have invested heavily in the interior design of this model so it encourages its occupants to question what life’s really all about.

Toyota Previous: a large, “no-fuss” people carrier / mini van that caters for our good old-fashioned needs on the road. No aircon, no DVD players, lousy seats but just plain, good-old highway boredom. Yeee Hah!

Vauxhall Asterix: hippy version of the Astra, available with a DIY paint kit so you can embellish it yourself with your favorite cartoon characters.

What are your favorite new cars about to be launched? Please share!

photo credit: Alexandre Prévot via photopin cc

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