Old questions no-one, er, ever writes answers for

HTWB HUMOR logo smallSome of these questions have been around for years. So why haven’t they been answered? Would you like to help out here and provide some answers? That would be great!

In the meantime here’s what we need to know…

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are nearly dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Am longing to see your answers!

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family (don’t forget the Holiday Season is coming soon)…




  1. LMAO! Thanks for a great start to the day. Many of these things I wonder about but, you’re right, nobody seems to have the answer!
    The one about evolving from apes really got me. I’ve never even considered that one. That’s really weird!

    • There are some tough ones, aren’t there? One I think I do know the answer for is why (round) pizzas come in square boxes … round boxes have to be made out of specially cut cardboard and would cost a lot more than square ones! As for the rest, though….

  2. The evolving apes one is easy. Modern apes & humans both evolved from a different ancestral species (which is now extinct).

    Also you may as well ask:
    If modern caucasian Americans came from Europeans, why are there still Europeans?

    The question appears to be profound but actually it’s just as silly as the ‘Jimmy cracks corn’ one.

  3. Fair point. Sorry. I guess I’ve become habitually grumpy about creationism having had so many ad hominem Email attacks from creationists over my evolutionary psych blogs. But you’re right – that wasn’t the right tone for your post.

    My apologies.

    • Don’t be silly Stuart, I wasn’t upset at all! If what you mean is what I think you mean about creationism, I can sympathise … I had to remake a training video once, for orthopaedic surgeons in the Bible Belt of the US, because it began with an evolutionary sequence showing why the human skeletal frame was not really designed to walk upright. That was a prize no-no, even for a medical audience…

  4. I’ve had the dubious honour of being named ‘Satan’ himself on several occasions. Usually immediately after presenting evidence. Oddly enough the attacks I get from creationists usually hail from America too.

    • Amazing how some Americans really do have tunnel vision about the creation versus evolution issue. I don’t suppose Charles Darwin would have enjoyed too many holidays in Florida…

  5. Brilliant! So true about the injections and I admit to the point about the thread. Great way to keep my thoughts going during my lazy weekend;)

  6. Ha Susan! This gave me a good laugh. Where did you get that “Humor in Writing” widgit? Can I steal it for my blog? Please and thanks?

    • Hi Debbie – yes, of course you can steal it but please, in return, add http://HowToWriteBetter.net to your list of writers’ resources on your site! And I’ll let you into a secret … I created that “Humor In Writing” myself on my little old desktop and MS Word…watch this site as I will write a piece on how I do it and post it up here, in the next few days.

  7. Happy to add you, and looking forward to the lesson : )

  8. Loved it – thank you so much.

    Might I try a slightly surreal reply to one of the questions?
    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?……because it’s the end and it’ll not open on any try, never mind the first?

    And this one…Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance? LOL Do it all the time, and my reasoning is I’ve now loosened it and it needs to go where all the other fluff goes to be contained Lol

    Round pizzas comes in square boxes, as they are cheaper to make, store and assemble……sorry – how boring was that?

    I thought you might like this wee remark from the Danish comedic philosopher, Storm P. : “It’s tough making predictions, especially about the future”.

    Thank you again for your piece