Puns for intellectuals

If you like puns, these will have you laughing and groaning at the same time…

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says “sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.”

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much–and naturally became known the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage, you can’t  have your kayak and heat it too.

A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named “Ahmal” The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He  replies, “They’re twins for Pete’s sake!! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!!”

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars’ shop, beat them up,  destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn’t close, he’d be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him …what? (This is so bad it’s good…)  –a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, …there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did…

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  1. Now I think I understand why you left the country, Suze 🙁

  2. Don’t worry Linda – I’ll be back tomorrow (Sept 8th) !

  3. Rex L. Wolfe says

    So, back during the Salem witch trials, three old women were convicted of witchcraft and hanged. The city mayor hired the local undertaker told him to bury them anywhere, no funeral, no one cares.
    Being a bit of a shady character, the undertaker plotted to save some dough, so he put all three witches in the same box, buried them, and no one was the wiser. . . until, the spirits of the three witches began haunting him, unmercifully, for his dishonest trick.
    At last the undertaker had enough, so he dug up the bodies and gave each one her own box and funeral plot. So ended the haunting.

    The moral of the story? DON’T PUT ALL YOUR HAGS IN ONE CASKET.