Search Results for: how to write jokes

How to write funny jokes – yes, even about horses

On a Friday afternoon in April, 2011 we had a little party (April 29th to be precise,  after that other little party in honour of some wedding or other in London, England…) to celebrate the launch of my latest book, “The Pony Lover’s Joke Book.” This is at the multi-award winning equestrian superstore whose owner asked me to do a joke book about ponies. She sells loads of my earlier title, “The Horse Lover’s Joke Book” and thought the pony book would do well too.

Are horses funny?

People who keep horses always laugh at this gag, largely because it’s true: “how do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start with a large fortune.” Despite this the vast majority of horse owners in the UK, Canada, the USA and I suspect most other industrialised countries are not filthy rich (any more!) but hard-working individuals who often have to do two jobs just to afford the livery costs, vets’ bills, feed, tack, bedding, grazing, clothing, transportation, etc., etc.

If you know where to look you can find humour in just about anything (I even find humour in cancer-related stories and incidents, as you can see on my CancerComicStrip blog.) And in the world of horses there is an absolute goldmine of opportunities for funny jokes.

A good place to start looking for humour is within jargon

Nearly always there is a jargon for any particular sport, activity, or even business. Often jargon can be used for amusing wordplays and double meanings. Take the following horsey terms, for example:

Flash Noseband(real meaning: a crossover-styled nose band within a horse’s bridle) A noseband which cashes in on the current rage for fashion statements comprising utterly outrageous glitter, sparkle, Swarovksi crystals and other bling which riders hope will catch the judges’ eyes and divert their attention away from a) a number of fences down or b) a really bad dressage test.

Gaited Horse(real meaning: a North American horse trained to go in artificial paces as well as the four natural ones) A US term referring to their extraordinary horses which not only do walk, trot, canter and gallop but also can be taught  boogie-woogie, jive, quick-step, waltz, rumba, cha-cha, salsa and Ceroc.

Livery(real meaning: board and lodging for a horse at a livery yard/horse farm) How parents say they feel when they are obliged to get up at some insane hour of the morning to take their kids to a show or rally, after having had far too much to drink the night before.


Then, you can take jargon terms and change them slightly

Crab biting: a condition whereby the horse crib bites sideways (crib biting is a bad habit that stabled horses can get into when bored – they chew out the wood around their stables…)

Faminitis: a disease suffered by many equids, particularly ponies, causing them to escape from their stables and attempt to raid the feed bins (play on the word “laminitis” which is an all too common disease of horses and ponies)

Thoroughdread: a thoroughbred horse who has just noticed a garbage bag that’s caught in the hedge and which is now flapping in the breeze (this was inspired by my own mare who was a real “thoroughdread!)

Now, how about adapting some silly jokes?

What kind of horse wears a sweater, jeans, and cheap boots? A plainclothes police horse

What time is it when a fat pony sits on the fence?  Time to mend the fence!

What’s spotted, stands in a puddle when it rains and doesn’t get wet? An Appaloosa with an umbrella!

And to round off, some “boyfriend” jokes

Why ponies are better than boyfriends

  • Ponies’ feet and shoes usually don’t smell, unlike a boyfriend’s stinky socks and shoes
  • You won’t get upset if your pony forgets to send you a Valentine’s card
  • Ponies do not normally get big problems with zits
  • Ponies do not play drums or loud guitar music in terrible rock bands
  • Ponies’ stables are not littered with a half-metre depth of empty Coke cans, week-old, mouldy takeaway curry leftovers, school books, laptops and dirty laundry

What else?

With a bit of thought, you can adapt the joke styles I’ve just described to suit a large number of other topics, as I mentioned above. Here are some more styles you can try:

  1. Adaptations of nursery rhymes and children’s stories
  2. Spoof “etiquette” rules … (would love to do one on golf…!)
  3. Essential knowledge for newbies (spoof on what people new to the activity can expect)
  4. Wordplay using adapted titles of TV shows and movies
  5. If you crossed an X with a Y you’d get a Z (e.g. Highland [pony] – Shih Tzu [dog]: HighShihtz, a pony with unfortunate intestinal issues)
  6. How many (whatevers) does it take to change a light bulb?
  7. Spoof on rules/issues of the sport/activity (e.g. Your 15 metre circle shape reminds the judge that she needs to buy some eggs on her way home)
  8. And many more….!!


NB If you’re interested in the two horsey joke books, here’s where to find them (they make great gifts!)

The Horse Lover’s Joke Book: UK here, and USA here

The Pony Lover’s Joke Book: UK here, and USA here

How to get in the right mood to write

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you’ll find it hard to kick-start yourself and get into writing mode. If you’re writing at home this can be even harder, because there are endless distractions around the place to help you procrastinate … housework, dog walking, grass cutting, cooking, eating, you name it.

Even if you’re in work mode and can justify business hours spent on your book, blog, article, speech or whatever because it will be a business tool, the reality is it can be hard to focus and make the best of those hours.

article about getting in the right mood to write

Peace and privacy are essential if you are to organise your thoughts. Often a quiet cubicle is the only reasonable and available choice.

While the sheer obstructions of life aren’t necessarily an issue, often I still find that the problem is not that I don’t want to start writing, but that I don’t know where to start. So, I find it hard to concentrate my efforts in a productive direction. If you have the same problem from time to time, here are a few ideas that may help you.

How to concentrate

[Read more…]

Weddings during coronavirus: you can still write (and give) a great speech

Updated June 19th, 2020. Everyone knows that weddings have been very hard hit by the COVID-19 pandemic and it’s only now that small weddings are allowed to go ahead in Northern Ireland. Other British nations are considering allowing small weddings later this summer.

Other countries like the USA, Canada and Australia are at similar points of allowing simple, small events – and many are saying that weddings are likely to be smaller than normal for quite some time to come.

article about wedding speeches during coronavirus pandemic

Even with a very small wedding like we’re experiencing post lockdown, you can write – and give – a great speech

But that’s no reason why your speech should be any different from what it would have been at a healthier time. Even if your audience will be just a few close friends and family sitting around a table, here’s how to prepare it so that when the day finally does come, it will be a great one!

13 articles packed with tips and inspiration for you. And in addition to the traditional speech-making roles we have some ideas for other family members and friends who want to get up and “say a few words.” Enjoy!

Why Coronavirus need not damp down your wedding speech – whoever you are

[Read more…]

Diary of a self-isolator: Lockdowners’ Laughs … Easter & Passover jokes

Updated April 2020. When this period of Easter, Passover and other religious events should be observed within gatherings of family and friends – not on lockdown standing at least two metres away from the family you live with and not being allowed to see our folks who live elsewhere other than through the cold, squinty eye of a digital camera – we can at least have a few laughs to help us through it.

Here are some jokes about Easter, and further down about Passover (Pesach) for you to share with your folks and give you all a smile.

Humorous Easter Eggs on How To Write Better

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up.

Jokes about Easter: enjoy…

A white rooster was strutting around the henhouse on Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every colour of the rainbow. He took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the living daylights out of the resident peacock.

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an over-stressed person?
An Easter basket case!

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
EGG-xercise and HARE-robics! [Read more…]

New Year’s resolutions you must write for your pets

At New Year we get plenty of suggestions on what resolutions we humans should make, but there’s a strong need for us to write resolutions for our pets to follow if we are to lead a peaceful co-existence for the coming year.

Here are some suggestions for our cats, dogs and horses. Can you come up with more for, say, Parrots? Rabbits? Pigs? Goats? Donkeys? I’ll leave you to ruminate on that but for now, here are my three front runners…

Ziggy (my Canadian cousin, a Cornish Rex): you will not sit in the pasta pan just before your mom needs it to make tagliatelle alfredo.

New Year’s resolutions for cats

You will not swat your human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do yoga. [Read more…]

Some jokes written specially for Labor Day

A few written chuckles for Labor Day – to accompany our heartfelt wishes of luck to all of you threatened by the monster Hurricane Dorian and other storms this year.Labor Day 2019Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to North Americans’ economy. North Americans celebrate it by not working.

A woman came home from work and ranted about her boss. She said, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”
“Why, what did he say to you?”
“You’re fired.”

I’m going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work. [Read more…]