Sheep jokes … no, not THOSE – funny ones!

Updated January 18th, 2020. Sheep jokes have a dubious reputation due to many people’s assumptions about what lonely shepherds and farmers get up to with them, but there is hope.

clean sheep jokes

I may be a (male) woolly jumper, but avoid encountering my horns if you want to go on to your full life expectancy.

Here are some sheep jokes that manage to be funny without even hinting at anything too rude. Enjoy! (And while we’re on this topic, whatever you do, don’t tangle with a ram unless he is particularly stupid, as this true story of mine explains…)

Funny business

Once upon a time there was a shepherd watching his flock in a field by a lonely road.  Suddenly a brand new Range Rover Evoque screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban glasses and a Hermes tie, buzzed the window down and asked the shepherd, “if I guess how many sheep you have out there, will you give one of them to me?”

The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the sheep which were grazing beyond and said, “alright.”

The young man parked the Range Rover, tapped up his state-of-the-art smartphone, went online, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using high-intensity SatNav device, opened a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his mini-printer.  He then turned to the shepherd and said, “you have exactly 103 animals here.”

The shepherd answered, “that’s correct, you may have your sheep.”

The young man opened the tailgate of the Range Rover Evoque and put the animal inside.

The shepherd looked at the young man and asked, “if I guess your profession, will you let me have my sheep back?”

The young man answered, “yes, why not?”

The shepherd said, “you are a business coach.”

“How did you know?” asked the young man.

“Very simple,” answered the shepherd. “First you come here without being invited. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already know. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my Border Collie.”

Do I look like a sheep?

Sheep sense

A man’s car broke down on a country road.  While he was peering under the hood to see what was wrong, a ewe trotted up to the nearby fence and looked over at the car.  “Probably the ignition gone wrong,” said the ewe.

The man, startled, ran off down the road until he bumped into a farmer, and told the farmer what had just happened.

“Was it a big one with the number E457 on her back?” asked the farmer.

“Yes, I think so,” said the man.”

“Oh, don’t listen to her,” said the farmer.  “She doesn’t know anything about cars.”

Wrong number

It was in the early hours of the morning and the ewe was heavily in labour but nothing was happening. The farmer, fearing a less than uncomplicated delivery, rang the vets’ emergency call out number on his mobile phone only to find it was answered by a locum vet he had never spoken to before.  “This ewe is lambing and I think something’s going wrong,” shouted the farmer down the phone.

“Is this her first lamb?” asked the vet.

“No, you idiot!” screamed the reply.  “This is the farmer!”

That’s entertainment

A breeder was taking a lorry load of sheep to a local show in southern England. Just a few miles from the showground her lorry broke down, so she hailed a passing cattle lorry which fortunately was empty, and said to the driver she’d give him £100 if he’d take the sheep to the show.

The lorry driver loaded them up and went off, and the breeder started the long wait for breakdown service to turn up. About an hour later she was amazed to see the cattle lorry come back and stop beside her, the sheep still all loaded up in the back.

She shouted out “but I gave you £100 to take them to the show!”

The driver shouted back, “oh, but the tickets only came to £50. So I’ll take them to a movie now.”

What’s in a name

A sheep farmer and his wife were driving around Wales, looking for good collie pups to bring back to England to raise, train and sell on. At one point they entered a small town with a typically Welsh name, consisting of numerous consonants and few vowels. They began to argue over how it should be pronounced, but couldn’t agree.

After a few minutes they decided to stop for something to eat and a coffee. As the waitress brought their orders to the table, the sheep farmer said to her, “my wife and I can’t agree over how to pronounce the name of this place. Could you please tell us how it should be pronounced?”

The waitress put her tray down and said very slowly, “M … c … D … o … n … a … l … d … s …”

clean sheep jokes for a change

Wales may be full of sheep, but we’re civilised enough to have McDonald’s, too. (Without the lamb burgers.)

Rear lights

A farmer and his wife were driving back from a livestock auction late one night, when a police car pulled them over to the side of the road. The officer approached the driver, who rolled down his window.

“Are you aware that you’re driving without rear lights, sir?” asked the officer.

With that, the farmer flung open his door and ran around to the rear of the car, groaning and clutching his forehead. He was so upset that the officer took pity on him, and said kindly, “it’s not exactly a hanging offence, sir. In fact it really isn’t serious.”

“Of course it’s serious!” cried the man.  “I’ve lost my trailer with my sheep inside it!”

Tender gender

A three-year-old girl had just been to see the neighbour’s new-born lamb with her mother.  They went into the house and the little girl ran to find her daddy so she could tell him all about it.

“Tell me,” asked her father, “is it a boy lamb or a girl lamb?”

“A girl,” replied the little girl.

“And how could you tell? Did your Mum ask Mrs Jenkins?” asked the father.

“No,” replied the little girl.  “Mum looked between the lamb’s back legs. It think it must be printed on its tummy.”

What are your favourite (clean) sheep jokes?

Please share them here!

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