So, so tempting to write back and ….

Do you ever get a marketing message in your email preview window that makes you long to write back using every expletive you can remember? Plus a few?

Cartoon of snake in humorous article about spam marketing

Because you’ve been so kind, I’ll let you hand feed a live goat to each of my 34 snakies.

And even more so because it’s spam, yet treats you like an idiot? Here’s one that had me seething…

(Subject line of email) Monday or Tuesday?
(Sub-subject line) This email is about an appointment I would like to arrange for on Monday 19th

How has your week been?
I would like to come and see you – I know that we can help your business and I’m sure you’ll gain a lot from our new Phone & WiFi System.
Plus there is something new I’d like to show you that I know you’re going to love (this also makes it more cost effective too).
I’m in (my city) on Monday 19th and Tuesday 20th.
Which day is best for you? And do you prefer mornings or afternoons?
Kind Regards,
Senior Communications Consultant
Direct Landline: 00000 000000
Mobile: 00000 000000

Subject line: How To Write Like An Arrogant Pig

The worst of this awful piece of Direct Spam Marketing is that it probably cost the client a fortune, written by some smug copywriter who thinks being so effing rude and presumptuous is the cool new way to bully recipients into agreeing to a meeting.

With arrogance as hilarious as this there is a strong temptation to hit “reply” and tell them exactly what you think of them and their new Phone & WiFi system. But of course if you do that their mail system tells them that you’re a live contact having opened a dialogue with them. And you’ll never hear the end of it.

So to get my revenge, and give you a smile for the day…

Here’s the reply that I would love to send (but won’t) to this moron

(Subject line) Monday morning 05:00 hrs
(Sub-subject line) Our appointment


My week has been lovely. Thank you for asking.

It’s amazing that you already know you can help my business, especially considering that I breed and raise a rare sub-species of Burmese pythons as exotic pets, mainly for these nice foreigners who like to frighten their guests in their palaces and things.

And those lovely Americans! So much nicer to keep pythons rather than guns, although the snakies in southern Florida tend to escape and breed like mad and eat all the neighbours’ dogs and cats. Cheeky little monkeys!

And because you've been so kind, I'll let you hand feed a live goat to each of the 34 snakies.

This is Mildred. She’s a bit grumpy but does love a live rabbit now and then, especially when you hand it to her personally.

By the way I’m not sure I could have a proper phone here, because the dear wee snakies tend to regard cables and wires and hose pipes and anything else that looks like a snake and, well, you know. Boys will be boys.

That’s why I can’t use any electrical appliances unless they’re hard-wired into our concrete enclosures. On the other hand the girlies might like a nice, warm new Phone & WiFi system – I take it that’s a box of some sort? – to coil around on chilly evenings. How many snakes could you fit around one? (I have 14 girls and the little ones are only about two metres long.)

So, so tempting to write back and ....

And here’s my favourite boy, Eldred. He’s a bit overweight, bless him, but so placid – especially when he has eaten a gorgeous goat (hint, hint!)

Anyway you can test that out with them when you come to visit us – sorry, it needs to be bright and early next Monday morning because that’s when all the snakies (I have 34 in total, so it’s a little busy around here!) are at their liveliest. I feed them a live sheep each on the first Monday of the month at 06:00 and they get so excited, you know how it is. So this next Monday will be extra special for them, thanks to you!

And I can’t wait to see what you’re going to show me that I’m going to love. Can I drop a little hint? Some goats would be such a thrill for the snakies! Sheep are quite nutritious but the woolly fleece really does play havoc with our babies’ rather slinky digestion, especially their poop. You’ll see what I mean when you get here. Mind you, you’ll get used to the smell after a few hours.

So, so tempting to write back and ....

Last but not least is Hermione. She loves to show off her cute little suffocation skills. She can’t wait to meet you!

Some goats would be a lovely treat for them – a real delicacy! There’s plenty of room here for you to drive your tractor-trailer in and unload the goats just by the snakies’ main vivarium pit.

That would be so, so fabby! And because you’ve been so kind, I’ll let you hand feed a live goat to each of the 34 snakies. You’ll just love them, as long as you jump back out of the way pretty sharpish as some of the bigger boys would prefer a juicy human even to a goat. They’re so naughty. LOL!

I look forward to your confirmation of our appointment.

And you know where you can shove your Phone & Wifi system, don’t you.

E. Norma Sreptiles (Mrs)

Now … who dares me to send this next time I hear from these, er reptiles?

Answers in the comments please…LOL…