What NOT to write on staff performance reviews…

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. They were passed on to me some while back by fellow professional writer and good friend, Jonathan Priest. The original sources are unknown…

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom – and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere – but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”

“Works well under constant supervision when cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

 “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a sign post.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

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“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored-he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

 “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”

“One neuron short of a synapse.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;….. he only gargled.”

“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Do any of these remind you of someone you know? They do for me…

Want to know what else not to write?

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

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