Birthday jokes: well, I’m a joke, and it’s my birthday!

medium_4176990479As today – May 5th – is my birthday … I thought I’d share some birthday jokes that will give us all a few smiles…

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

Q: “Were any famous men born on your birthday?”
A: “No, only little babies.”

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?
A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age!

Q: Why are birthdays good for you?
A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

Weighing in
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Q:  What do you always get on your birthday?
A:  Another year older!

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake…

Don’t worry about temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

Chop, chop
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.” “HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Birthday deliberations
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”

small__99568043Walking on water
Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned! Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.

Birthday gift? Nice one…
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So that’s what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

Think twice about singing “Happy Birthday”
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.”

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photo credit: Juliana Coutinho via photopin cc
photo credit: Sister72 via photopin cc

How to structure a social speech

When you give a social speech it’s usually not appropriate to read from a script, so you need to structure the content in a way that allows you to “ad lib” through it … but to a strong structure that keeps you on topic and to time.

Research – get that right first

When you’re asked to give a social speech, it’s essential that you establish a) what you need to say, followed by b) what you’d like to say. There are very few social speeches that don’t contain at least a small element of obligatory thanks or appreciation for someone’s work, help, travel from afar or other key participation, so it’s important to keep those in mind and give them key places in your structure.

Other things can be intertwined with the obligatory sections … like anecdotes about the people being celebrated, funny (true) stories, jokes (if you’re good at telling them) and even housekeeping announcements.

It helps a lot to make yourself a brainstorming file where you jot down all these components randomly, in no particular order. Once you’re satisfied that you’re on the right track with your scribbles, the next job is to edit those down and order them into a realistic skeleton structure that will form the basis of your speech.

A wedding example

Let’s assume you are the bride at a wedding and you want to speak immediately after your father does, and then hand over to your new husband. First of all, here are some of the scribbles from your brainstorm. Underline the elements which are essentials

Mum worrying about flowers

Nancy’s dress too tight


Pete & Brian – school practical joke

Dad’s speech – thanks

Pete & Lilia – from SA

Brian’s old girlfriend on plane too (maybe not!!!)

Brian speaks next? Wants last word?

Dad – bound to tell story about me losing the hamster

Dad – tell story about barbecue (hee hee hee)

Toast to Brian/Mum/Dad/family

Thanks for coming

Thank Mum and Dad for the wedding

Now all you have to do is put everything into a logical order, and drop any ideas which are irrelevant or repetitive, which will make your speech too long, or which could upset someone and land you in hot water! Here’s what your skeleton structure might look like…

  • Welcome everyone and thank for coming
  • Thank Dad for compliments and embarrassing stories
  • Tell embarrassing story about him (barbecue catching fire)
  • Thank Mum and Dad for wedding
  • Mention Pete and Lilia travelling over from South Africa
  • Tell story about Pete and Brian, practical joke at school in Joburg
  • Make joke about Brian always wanting last word – typical husband
  • “But first,” propose toast to Brian and our families

Okay. That’s a good basis. Now you could start straight in and ad lib around those points, but although it may seem superfluous you’ll find it very helpful to create an interim stage.

Make notes in small chunks

Here, don’t try to write your actual words for the speech. Just add some flesh to those bones. For example…

Welcome everyone and thank for coming … am really touched to share this day with my family and good friends … been really generous with gifts, thanks so much … really hope you’re having a great time …

 Thank Dad for compliments and embarrassing stories … said I was beautiful, probably needs his glasses changing … great Dad, love him so much … knew he would tell that story about the hamster … will never live it down …

Tell embarrassing story about him (barbecue catching fire) … Dad always knows best … barbecue for their Silver Wedding … wouldn’t let Mum and me help … whole lot caught fire … steaks ruined, had to eat salad and dessert … then bought a book and taught all of us how to do it properly …

Thank Mum and Dad for wedding…best parents in the world whether good at BBQs or not … thanks so much for beautiful wedding … the best day of my life and Brian

Mention Pete and Lilia travelling over from South Africa … fantastic they could come here all that way … Pete Brian’s best friend when they were at school in Joburg … wonderful that he and his wife Lilia are here to share our wedding day … sad we couldn’t get out there for their wedding

Tell story about Pete and Brian, practical joke at school in Joburg … Pete & Brian don’t know I know about this … certain Maths teacher of theirs called Mrs Entwistle is still around … very interesting email from her about those two locking the Head teacher in his study “by accident,” oh, yeah? …

Make joke about Brian always wanting last word – typical husband … being perfect wife will let him …

“But first,” propose toast to Brian and our families … all of you, our families and my wonderful husband … and thanks again for everything

There. That wasn’t hard, was it? And believe it or not, you have created a detailed structure of your speech for you to memorize (and/or copy out on to cue cards to use when you’re up in front of the microphone.) This will allow your live speaking to flow well, to stick to the relevant points without “waffling” or wandering off-topic, and to be effective without sounding “scripted.”

Good luck!

Make your next speech a sparkling success!

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours