How to, er, live with cats…

Whether you love cats or hate them, they form a major part of many people’s lives. Here are some short stories about the ways in which some people cope – or not … enjoy!

How to, er, live with cats

All dressed up in our tuxedos … but no place to go. So how about some food?

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the door to leave. [Read more…]

How to give your cat a pill: full written instructions

If your cat needs to take a pill, these instructions are guaranteed to make you chuckle and stop you wanting to strangle the little furball …

Cat jokes

My furballs: left to right –
Gobbycat (aged 4), Levi (aged 10),
Zazu (aged 13) …

cat jokes

…and Jeremy (aged 9 months).

These instructions have been around for a while but I was reminded of them the other day when I bought some worm pills for my four bruisers (see pictures). I thought I would share them with you now, so you can think of Suze going through this agony four times over and laugh yourself silly…

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw chewed-up pill away.

4) Take new pill from container, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from container. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Staffordshire figurines from window sill and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply antiseptic solution to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

cat jokes

The Evil Levi is watching you…

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus booster. Throw T-shirt away and fetch clean one from bedroom.

12) Phone emergency services to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed her car into her own fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from container.

13) Tie cats’ front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for local humane society to collect cat. Phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

For some more smiles from Suze (instant downloads)…

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours
The Bumper Book of Business Jokes“…over 500 wicked laughs about the workplace
How To Smile Through Cancer“…a cancer survivor’s journey of life and laughter

28 facts of life for your cat to remember…


Funny jokes about cats by Suzan St Maur1.Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

2.I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

3.If I play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

4.If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

5.The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

6.If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

7.Outdoor plant containers are not suitable for my afternoon siesta.

8.I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching “The X-Files.”

Funny jokes about cats from humorist SuzanSt Maur

Outdoor plant containers are not suitable for my afternoon siesta.

9.My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

10.Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

11.No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human’s earrings are not cat toys.

12.The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

13.I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

14.I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

15.It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

16.If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

17.The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

18.I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

19.The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

20.If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.

21.As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.

22.I must not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

Funny jokes about cats from humorist Suzan St Maur

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

23.When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

24.Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

25.I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

26.I must not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

27.I must not speed dial the overseas numbers.

28.I must not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaierp ga3qi4 taij@3tgv aa35 a=

Don’t pussyfoot around – brush up your writing now! (instant downloads)

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write
“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English
The MAMBA Way to make your words sell“…how to think  your way to superbly successful sales writing