35 very wise business tips…

35 wise business tips to help you in your working day … enjoy!

business tips,humor,funny jokes,comedy

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding places of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.

10. It’s the team that matters. Where would The Beatles would have been without Ringo? If John had got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

business tips,humor,funny jokes,comedy11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Well, in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think: would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “how would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

business tips,humor,funny jokes,comedy22. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

26. If you’re going be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn’t do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I’m the field general. You’re my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapor trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man – more for leaning on than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

HTWB BWN box32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

33. You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people – throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

 

photo credit: Cracked.com

Déjà Vu, plus a few

déjà,déjà vu,humorous,funny jokes,comedy,writing

Get the feeling you’ve been here before?

We’ve all seen a few humorous take-offs of the old cliché, “déjà vu.” Here I’ve added some new ones you might like, too. Enjoy…

Déjà Ado: Perpetual troublemaker

Déjà Boo-Boo:  Mistake you’ve made before [Read more…]

How to write a really bad joke

Humor,jokes,bad jokes,funny,hilarious

Lady Cressida Hardly-Worthit

Recently a challenge came up, to make what was already a pretty weak joke so bad it would bring tears to your eyes. I thought you might enjoy my entry…

British aristocrat Lady Cressida Hardly-Worthit, 65, had a very embarrassing problem. The innards of her abdomen were twitchy to put it mildly and she made the f*rts of a dray horse seem like the puffs of a butterfly’s wings. [Read more…]

Setting your password: a guide for, er, beginners

Here is the online text discussion you can expect to endure the next time you’re asked to set a new password…many thanks to my good friend Laurence H. from London, England, for sharing…

HTWB rosesSorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer? [Read more…]

Old questions no-one, er, ever writes answers for

HTWB HUMOR logo smallSome of these questions have been around for years. So why haven’t they been answered? Would you like to help out here and provide some answers? That would be great! [Read more…]

Funny quotes from famous old goats…

HTWB George Burns and Bob Hope

The late, great George Burns (left) and Bob Hope (right.)

My thanks to good friend Laurence H. for sharing these hilarious pearls from famous forefathers and foremothers…

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

HTWB Zsa Zsa GaborI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
– W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family (don’t forget the Holiday Season is coming soon)…

photo credit: srqpix via photopin cc
photo credit: Loren Javier via photopin cc

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