How to cook your, er, Christmas turkey…

And yet another old favourite funny Christmas joke … this time it’s a recipe for roast turkey that may not taste very good, but will certainly give everyone the laugh of the season… bon appétit…

How to cook a Christmas turkey

How to cook a turkey on HowToWriteBetter.net

The essential turkey dinner ingredient. Tip: it tastes better if you remove the feathers prior to roasting.

Step 1: Go get a turkey. (size is not important)

Step 2: Take a drink of whisky.

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven. (Use a pan)

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky. (Glass preferred)

Step 5: Set the degree at 200 ovens.

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskys of drink out of bottle.

Step 7: Turn oven the on. [Read more…]

An ode in honor of tired Holidays chefettes…

Christmas,holidays,food,turkey,cooking

Do you feel exhausted having cooked meals for everyone over the Holidays?

Did you spend a lot of time in your kitchen over Christmas? If so, here’s a short poem you may identify with … created entirely by “moi” as the result of painful experience…

Christmas is over
The turkey is gone
Dismembered, digested
And perfectly spun… [Read more…]

Food funnies: the tastiest jokes in town

medium_3431444774Welcome to the first course of your hilarious banquet … my collection of the funniest food jokes I’ve come across in the last 10 years or so. Soon to be published in a book: here’s your first taster…

Les Hors D’Œuvres

Hot air
A customer continually pestered the waiter in a restaurant. First, he’d ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot. Five minutes later he’d ask for it to be turned down because it was too cold. So it went on for nearly an hour.
To the other customers’ surprise the waiter was very patient, smiling and doing the awkward customer’s bidding without the faintest glimmer of irritation. Eventually one of the other customers couldn’t stand it any more and said to the waiter, “for Heaven’s sake, why don’t you just tell that guy to leave?”
“Oh, it’s just his little foible,” smiled the waiter. “We don’t even have air conditioning.”

What a squeeze
One day, at a New York restaurant, a man suddenly called out, “my son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s extremely private parts, and squeezed. Out of the boy’s mouth popped the coin. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?”
“No,” replied the man. “I’m a Tax Inspector.”

Long wait
A business owner from up-state New York on a rare trip into NYC, decided to revisit an uptown restaurant she’d really enjoyed on a previous journey to the city. When she finally caught the eye of a somewhat stressed waiter, she said, “d’you know, it’s been over five years since I first came here…”
“Sorry ma’am,” the waiter interrupted with typical NYC charm, “but you’ll have to wait your turn. I can only serve one table at a time.”

Titbits

  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • I’ve seen some really awful truffles in my day.  Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.
  • When I realized I was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I decided to quit cold turkey.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
  • The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called “The Fission Chips.”
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
  • The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
  • Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”
  • I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.
  • On April Fool’s Day, a mother put a firecracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

Quiche 22
At lunch one day a young trainee chef, on his day off, eagerly waited for his mother to comment on his first attempt at baking Quiche Lorraine.
After several minutes with no reaction, the young trainee asked his mother, “if I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for them?”
Without looking up from her coffee cup his mother replied, “about 10 years, dear.”

Ah so
Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted with a sweet smile, is helped to take off his shoes, has cushions arranged on the floor for him, and is served a wonderful meal, and I’ll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant.

small__6055872172Kissing frogs
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, assertive young princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues by the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped up on to the princess’s lap and said, “Dear lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the handsome young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up home in your castle with my mother, where you can cook my meals, wash my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined elegantly on a repast of lightly sautéed “cuisses de grenouilles” in a rich sauce of garlic, parsley and butter, she chuckled and thought to herself, “I don’t bloody well think so.”

Winning dinner
“My partner and I have a terrific relationship,” said one woman to other over lunch, “and we always go out to dinner twice a week. He goes on Mondays and Wednesdays, I go Tuesdays and Fridays.”

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Check out more than 370 further hilarious jokes, articles and poems in our humour category, right here on HTWB
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Diner dégoûtant
A couple were dining at a country inn in the southern USA. When the waiter brought the menu they were shocked to see a dish that was described as ‘prime cut of skunk’s cheeks braised in hickory-flavored maple syrup on a bed of southern grits with porcupine gravy.’ They called the waiter back and complained loudly. Looking at the menu, the waiter shouted to the owner who was by the bar, “hey, Mr. Anderson, that’s the second time those stupid printers forgot to translate our menu into French.”

In the soup
Geoffrey invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Geoffrey’s roommate Hannah was. For some time she had suspected there was a relationship between Geoffrey and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Geoffrey and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, Geoffrey volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Hannah and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Hannah came to Geoffrey and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find that beautiful silver soup ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Geoffrey said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a soup ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a soup ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Geoffrey”.
Several days later, Geoffrey received a letter from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Hannah, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Hannah. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mother.”

small_382472240Chop Phooey
Two ladies were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant. They noticed that the table had been equipped with forks rather than chopsticks. When one of the ladies asked why, the waiter replied, “chopsticks are only supplied on request.”
“But if you gave your guests chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks,” said the other lady.
“That’s true,” the waiter said, “but we would have
to hire four extra people to clean up the mess.”

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How to tell if your culinary skills need more work

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark.

small__2719828064Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Those annoying pest control companies keep wanting to buy and patent your recipe for chutney.

You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave, and the next afternoon not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in the pot nine days old tastes like.

The Council requires that all your garbage bins be marked with large bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols.

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

small__4956230334You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbor’s house to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Immodium in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with the emergency services on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

Your microwave display reads “TILT!”

Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads, a container of caustic soda and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and dissolves the silver cutlery.

Your family prays AFTER they eat.

Never mind cooking: how about laughing? (instant downloads)

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours
The Bumper Book of Business Jokes“…over 500 wicked laughs about the workplace
How To Smile Through Cancer“…a cancer survivor’s journey of life and laughter

 

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Restaurant jargon: gastronomic terms demystified, part 2

What are your favorite culinary terms?I love eating out – don’t you? But so often we can be disappointed by the realities emerging from the yummy-sounding jargon on the menus. Here is part two of my, er, interpretations of those terms. (For part one click here.) Please add your thoughts to these ….!

Market fish of the day
A wonderful enticement to tuck into some fresh fish just dragged out of the North Sea, the Irish Sea, the Atlantic, Pacific or wherever. Unfortunately we’re more likely to be looking at how fresh the market was (hopefully today or yesterday?) and to hell with when the fish were caught.

Medium
How your steak should be cooked if the waiter remembered to tell the kitchen what you wanted, they remembered, and no-one’s cellphone went off in the interim.

Medley of fresh vegetables
A gathering together of all the leftover fresh veggies from yesterday, the day before, and perhaps the day before that provided that they are not festering or covered in green mould.

Minute steak
Ostensibly a steak that should be cooked to perfection in one minute, but also a get-out clause: if you pronounce the word in its alternative fashion … for a steak that’s so small it only takes one minute to eat, never mind cook.

Oyster Mushroom
A nice, kind, tasty type of mushroom that suffers a little bit from a gender identity crisis … well no, probably more of a species-identity crisis. We live in such complex emotional times.

Pan fried
Oh, so terribly unfashionable … stick it in a pan with a bit of oil and fry it? Yikes! So, so, tasty though … at times, anyway…

Pesto
An unfortunate word that means nice things in Italian but not-nice things in English. A hugely popular accoutrement to many dishes, but one which I think, personally, sucks. Sorry to be a pesto.

Pistou
A strong, powerful garlicky sauce – often used as a soup accompaniment – that really packs a punch. Popular in the south of France. Not to be pissed about with (or called a pesto).

Pommes allumettes
Don’t try to light a cigarette with one of these because it won’t work. They will light up your dinner though, especially with chicken or steak. Big, fat, greasy, stuffy English chips … eat your heart out. Yuk.

Pub
Quaint English term for place where local villagers went to drink beer and shoot the breeze. Now a place where they still do that but because a) they can’t smoke and b) they can’t drink more booze than the legal driving limit, enticements like food and stuff have been introduced to keep attendance up. Nowadays most of the oldies stay home, smoke, and get rat-*ssed on much cheaper beer.

Quiche
Commonly pronounced “quickie” by the likes of dubious English speakers e.g. George W Bush et al, contrary to public opinion this dish is not an explosive aphrodisiac but merely a pastry-held concoction of eggs and cheese plus a few paltry bits of vegetables and/or meat. Consume at your peril.

Rare
Describes a degree of cooking meat which, because few restaurants are capable of delivering it properly, is so called because it’s very rare to have a decent rare steak.

What are your favorite culinary terms?Ratatouille
A favorite vegetable dish among the upper crust of white laboratory rats whose every culinary whim is catered for by adoring scientists while they simultaneously pump the poor little b*ggers up with isotopes, hallucinatory drugs, vast quantities of carcinogens and other yummy delights.

Rump steak
Would you like to eat a thick slice of your rump, let alone that of a cow? Just think where it has been. Not the most distinguished of the beef cuts. (Apologies if your rump is, indeed, superbly tender and well-aged.)

Rustic bread
Bread which has been baked in an aged metal container which passes on the quaint color and iron-filled crunchiness of good, old-fashioned rust.

Sauté
A sexy-sounding way of describing food which has been pan-fried at too low a temperature and so emerges cooked, though looking somewhat anaemic.

Salsa Verde
A romantic Italian term for an otherwise respectable sauce which has been left out at room temperature for rather too long and has now begun to generate mould.

Shaved Parmesan
Italian cheese which has been showered, shampooed, shaved, deodorized and amply sprinkled with a powerful Armani after-shave. A popular addition to many Italian dishes.

Skate Wings
Slices of rather tough leather normally attached to figure skates and ice hockey skates which are assumed to increase speed and accuracy on the ice rink. Can also be cooked and served with, predictably, a small water ice / sorbet.

Spotted dick
An English pudding made from flour, raisins and other ingredients, kneaded and shaped into a thick roll, baked, and then can be sliced up, especially by lady chefs with a sense of humor. Not to be served to men who brag a lot about how big theirs is.

Spring Roll
A sweetmeat intended for young couples to take on romantic picnics in the late Springtime when the ultimate objective is to have a roll in the (early cut) hay.

Sweated
An even more polite way of describing food which should be pan fried (see Sauté, above) but has only just been warmed up enough to sweat a bit.

Sweetbread
A certain part of a young animal’s anatomy which is much valued for its smooth, tender texture and subtle flavor. Most gastro-gnomes will tell you that this body part is the thymus gland, but don’t you believe it. Especially if you get two pieces on your plate, it’s probably some poor creature’s b*lls.

Toad in the hole
An enigmatic English dish consisting of a small amphibian creature which has disappeared down a drain pipe but been hooked out again and cooked to perfection in tough pastry that makes concrete look appetizing.

Tzatziki 
A Greek appetizer dip consisting of yoghurt, cucumber, garlic and herbs, designed to challenge English-speaking tourists to pronounce the name after a few drinks without making absolute tw*ts of themselves.

Vermicelli
Slinky, slimy pasta that looks and behaves like worms. If you’re not fond of eating offal, creepy crawlies and dubious Italian delicacies, give this stuff a miss.

Vindaloo
A powerful Indian spice-set which warns westerners that, shortly after consuming these dishes, they may need very close proximity to a bathroom. Get the last three letters, OK? A no-brainer.

Warm salad
A salad which should combine refrigerator-fresh ingredients along with freshly cooked additions, but which in truth consists of a bowlful of stuff that has been left out on the counter incubating bacteria for the previous few hours.

Wasabi
Hot sauce from Japan that knocks your tonsils so far down your throat you’ll need a fire engine to spray them with cold water when they emerge from your rectum.

Well done
A compliment you make to your chef when your steak has come back from the grill or BBQ blackened and almost incinerated, but just about edible. Warning: don’t eat too much burnt sh*t as some say it’s carcinogenic.

Wilted spinach
Spinach which has been stuffed in a pan and humiliated by a bit of heat so it shrinks to a fraction of its original size and status. Shame on you, spinach wilters.

Wonton
A delicately-flavored dumpling which, when presented, looks alarmingly like what I was talking about in Sweetbread (see above). If you’re particularly concerned just eat them and enjoy without worrying about their origins. (If you’re a woman, though, think “the last time a man gave you grief…”)

What are your favorite restaurant terms … and why? Please share! 

Some tasty further reading: (instant downloads)

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well
“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write
The MAMBA Way to make your words sell“…how to think your way to superbly successful sales writing

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The funniest spam recipes you’ll ever read

It’s well worth taking a look at your junk file from time to time – often the garbage in there is so awful it’s hilariously funny.

Take, for example, this spam email trying to sell me hair care products. After a few sentences about the product, here is what ensued, I assume spun by some robotic software to act as a filler and take my spam filter’s attention away from the sales spiel. I’m surprised my spam filter didn’t die laughing…

Continue in the center, and a dish. Cook the greatest importance.

LEEK SOUP Put a coffee-spoonful of onion, a pound of cornflour in a wooden spoon, will fry slowly in, sprinkling it into a thick sauce, or cold mutton. Let it will take a thin piece of a little mustard, a dish quickly with some small cabbages boiled eggs to simmer. Add at the bones, mixing very good beef, which you can be nearly two hours. If you need be, unless that you have begun at once. I give special point of the following way: Take the leaves. Let this sorrel, reduce that should call a brisk fire till it a dish some cold cooked green has taken place. Fill some butter or six eggs and round a hole in butter to soak in cold they are brown bread and wash some good white sauce is used.

FRIDAY’S FEAST Cook some lettuce plenty of minutes. Take a scrap of dried flour, then pass it through the meat, cook gently so as big lump of rounds of bacon, which is like it, two glasses of hard till you wish to boil. It should be added a calf’s liver, lard them gently salted, let them in cold milk; melt them cook again serve very well. Drop in dice, and onions, such as much attention to the cabbage and bay-leaves, a white sugar and make a boiled a powdering of lettuce, and mix these with pepper and it to a nice sweet is over. Put the eggs and stew them in a cup, adding to cover it about a little seasoning with milk and fry in tarragon vinegar and press it five inches from the tureen and also with the lid. When the vegetables do not minced. Add sufficient water and salt. Stir cheese-balls in the table and pour over the bechamel.

CAULIFLOWER SOUP (BELGIAN RECIPE) Take a bean and roll in as usual, and then, above and serve the inside yellow aspic, and arrange them through a small saucepan with the top with slices of chocolate that is done at my best; and breadcrumb some cold meat, bread, and fold over. Tomato Sauce: Brown an egg and the size of an egg. Add three or other liqueur. This sort of butter cook can bind the peas to suggest antennae. A good soup-spoonfuls of boiling milk. Bind the sieve and ham, pour over perfection. Put it for ten minutes, then your eggs are placed at the heat through. Serve when boiled, shell the frying-pan, also added it to use some white sugar over the oven, with a slice and remove the leaves. Scoop out the prunes are cheap in cold meat, and decorate with pepper and skin them, make a little soda in four, the boiling fat, or twelve ounces butter, and one-half inch thick, cut in butter; add a half pint of recipes for a moderate fire, and throw in boiling water. (etc.)

HORS D’OEUVRES The sugar 1 or lard. When the pan into pieces if they are tender, remove the sauce to have some potatoes, and then cover them in one half moon, so much liked by the oven, or in thin piece of a slice of the sauce shredded parsley, a chopped hard- boiled in. The water or boiled and pour the oven, or cook in a gentle oven and the soup a pound flour, put in hot fat. When ready, strain and let it rest for ten minutes. When set a white sauce over them decorated with some minced veal in the artichokes and add a little white pepper and half a bit of eggs, and can be inexpensive dish) Cook them, sprinkle chopped onions (already fried) and place a powdering of the dinner of butter in a pint of all the size of the cream, adding long sponge biscuits, but using the yolks of white sauce and of duck or you will be a sharp taste and plenty of two onions, add milk, pepper and add the whites of the butter melt one-half inch long; put in the fruit in salted water; a good as you add the salt. Butter a few raisins, some chopped parsley scattered at the cabbage, adding salt and dish and salt and butter over, and cut it the tongue or haricots to it in pieces if any cooked as you eat all with fresh fruit, raspberries, strawberries, portions of vanilla, and lid. When all bones and a little water. (etc.)

Who, but who, writes this sh*t?

Now: bite back and brush up your writing!

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

 

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