Self-publish a basic eBook: the quick and dirty recipe

medium_4826939037Someone in one of my communities on Google Plus just asked me how to go about self-publishing a simple eBook as cheaply and quickly as possible, and I thought rather than write her a long answer on there, I should share how I do it as an article here on HTWB.

It’s really easy – trust me, if I can figure it out, anyone can. So here goes… [Read more…]

Is your work driving you doo-lally today? Here’s an instant, permanent cure…


The Bumper Book Of Business Jokes

Over 500 wicked laughs (and 115 pages) about the workplace

for just USD $2.50 (GBP £1.60)

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceOnce upon a time a long, long time ago (well, a while ago, anyway) there was a desperately earnest business writer called Suze St Cere, who slavishly researched and wrote really useful books about business writing, marketing, the English language and all that sort of serious sincere shit.

But she had a deep, dark and dirty secret…

In her spare time, well hidden from her friends, family and clients, she had also written a joke book.

One day Suze’s Fairy GodMother Accountant Geeta twinkled into Suze’s office, perched prettily on the desktop screen and began to speak while dusting off all the cat hairs with her magic wand.

 “God this place is a mess. Now I think you ought to get real about something. Your joke book about horses? Remember?” FGMA Geeta fluttered down behind the desk to retrieve a dead mouse.

 “That bloody joke book,” she rang out from the depths of the waste paper basket, “outsells all your business books put together. How long has this mouse been here? It’s fossilized. Now what does that tell you, my child?”

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceHad a chuckle already? Download all 500 of them right now for just $2.50
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Poor Suze St Cere. It was no good: she would have to come out of the closet and reveal herself as a humor writer. Her lower lip trembled as she waited for FGMA Geeta to make the garbage and mouse magically disappear.

“Let me give it to you straight,” tinkled FGMA Geeta. “Don’t fart around with the business books any more. Well, OK, maybe one a year. But if you want to sell books and make a few bucks, write and compile more jokes. Lots of them. Now f***ing get on with it.” In a sparkle of fairy dust, she was gone.

And that, readers, is how Suze St Cere came to cut the crap and compile/write this book. (A lot of stuff in it is original.)

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceGiggling now? It’s just $2.50 to guarantee giga-giggles  
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Not yet? OK – some samples

SocMed jargon buster
Aggrevator:  a website that collects and redistributes blogposts and news based on information hacked from people’s phones
Bogosphere: comfort break facilities solely for the use of paid-up members of the blogosphere
Chavatars: (Great Britain) avatars you can customise with fake Burberry clothes and accessories, tightly-pulled ponytails, excessive gold jewellery and white stiletto-heeled shoes
Drowser: one of the older-format browsers that is painfully slow
Extroll: how to describe your persistent blog critic whose address you have found and whose house you have just burned down
Flogger: a blogger who rants on at length about a topic until no-one is interested any more
Google Fuss: a relatively new social media platform gathering millions of users who, now they’re there, are chatting about the weather and wondering what to do next
Hashtags: symbols used to flag up suspected weed smokers and so warn that their comments and blog posts should be taken with a pinch of, er, salt.
Javascript: (USA) programming language developed by geeks who were wired on strong coffee and didn’t sleep for several days until it was done (this is true, by the way)
Midgets: standalone applications which are very, very small
Plodcast: a particularly long and boring podcast
Rememe: an aide-memoire to help you remember what the hell a meme was before everyone started abusing the term
Squitter: someone on Twitter with bad verbal diarrhoea whose tweets invariably get cut off midstream with no link to follow on
Taxonomy: contraction of “tax on the economy” which is a polite way of saying a country is soon to go bust
Treads: threads on blogs and social media platforms where the conversation is concerned solely with footwear
Weddinar: a live online weddings exhibition

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceThat’s just the tip of the iceberg. Download the book right now – for the price of a sandwich
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “we have the perfect opening for a person like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“The doorway.”

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed somewhat less than qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well… as a matter of fact, yes,” she replied.  “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceMake sure you’ve got enough business laughs for a year or more – download your copy of The Bumper Book of Business Jokes right now!
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Business English Quick Tips will be back next week….

Super Speeches: how to write and deliver them well

Super Speeches: how to write and deliver them wellIf you ever need to write and give a presentation for business …
a speech at a social occasion …
an audio recording or podcast …
a video production for your website …
or several more speaking needs …
here’s some expert advice – plus loads of tips that will make your speech spectacular!

This is Suzan St Maur’s 20+ years’ experience of speechwriting for business and social clients packed into one 25,000 word eBook…

… Want it right now? It’s just USD $4.50 (GBP £3.00 approx.)

You’ll receive your copy within a few hours of the PayPal transaction going through – Suzan processes all sales herself along with writing a personal note to you.

Here’s what you get:

1.Presentations for business and other non-social activities

  • So, what about that preparation?
  • Cut the clutter
  • The right order
  • Openers and closers
  • Spoken speech
  • Basic spoken speech skills
  • Writing for someone else
  • Why a full script?
  • Anecdotes and humour
  • Visuals

2.Audio presentations

  • Remember that audio speech really is “a word in your ear”
  • There’s no mystique about spoken speech
  • On a website, work with the online text – don’t fight it or mirror it
  • Use a crisp, uncluttered style
  • Check everything you write by reading it aloud
  • Words on their own become boring
  • Use a voice artiste to record your audio track

3.Video presentations

  • Speaking to camera
  • Off-camera interview technique
  • A word about sound for video

4.Social speeches

5.Rehearse, rehearse

6.Delivery tips

  • Advice from an expert drama coach
  • Delivery tips: my own
  • Microphones: how to use them
  • Some further tips of mine

7.Women speakers

  • Advice from an expert drama coach

8.Some sample scripts

  • Business, after dinner
  • Business, same client, conference (day)
  • Business, same client, radio show
  • Social, father of Bat Mitzvah girl
  • Social, bride
  • Social, mother of bride

So don’t hesitate – grab this eBook today before it goes to Kindle and print and becomes more expensive! … Now just USD $4.50 (GBP £3.00 approx.)

You’ll receive your copy within a few hours of the PayPal transaction going through – Suzan processes all sales herself along with writing a personal note to you.

Am I nuts to sell the English Language Joke Book for so little?

I don’t know what has gotten into me.

Business is getting better by the day, despite the current financial crises.

My other business interests are picking up.

My son and I are not starving.

So why do I drop the price of this hilarious eBook, when it’s already doing pretty well at its previous price?

Because I want to spread the laughter further. It’s good for you, good for me, good for my business in the long run. Nuts? I don’t think so. Life’s too short.

So grab your copy now … before my accountant gets to hear about it and gives me hell for not being “business-like.”

It’s up for grabs – at the moment – for just $2.50 (about GBP £1.65.)

To remind you …

The English Language Joke Book

100s of laughs about this weird language of ours for just $2.50!

Here’s a mega-compilation of some fabulous humor about the English language all ready for you to enjoy in a handy, 115-page eBook. More than 22,000 words that demonstrate why the English language can be so hilariously funny! Grab your copy now, as the book will be going into a paperback/Kindle format soon and the price will go up. Just make your payment to PayPal and I do the rest – as soon as PayPal tell me you’ve paid I’ll email you your copy personally. What are you waiting for? Get laughing!

BUY NOW for just USD $2.50 (about GBP £1.65)


Go get it while my mood lasts…And for one or two more ridiculous bargains, check out my bookshop… before my accountant smacks me on the head and tells me to behave…


Write right for Twitter and your book or eBook can sell bigtime

Once in a while it’s encouraging to see a straight, old-fashioned sales success story about promoting your book or books, and here is my latest contribution – using Twitter.

Back in the early 00s I wrote a book called “The Horse Lover’s Joke Book. It took me all of about 3 months in total and I enjoyed every minute of it. The book was published by one of the specialist equestrian imprints in the UK and the USA and since then it has sold out several times and been reprinted as many times again.

Needless to say its success is due largely to it being an affordable horsey gift, which is why it’s nearly always in the top 20 “horses” category on Amazon and regularly hits the number 1 spot there in the run-up to Christmas. It also sells hand over fist in bricks-and-mortar equestrian retail outlets, and does pretty well online from specialist equestrian websites, as a gift for Mother’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries and more.

All the same a while back, with one eye on maintaining its sales and the other eye on establishing the groundwork for its sequel which was being published soon afterwards, I decided to try Twitter to promote it.

We’re talking very basic advertising strategy here

Via Tweetdeck I set up searches for various incarnations of horsey and other phrases, but settled on the most obvious ones … #horses and #gifts. I was quite surprised to see how vast the horse-related Twitter membership is, especially in the USA, but with what seemed like thousands in the UK as well. When my search was on “horses” and my PC’s speakers were turned up, the Tweetdeck pinger would be going off like a pesky burglar alarm.

I wrote and sent every tweet manually and changed things around a bit as I went along, but my basic tweet would be something like:

Want the perfect stocking filler for a friend who loves horses? “The Horse Lover’s Joke Book” #horses #gifts

I started tweeting these at the beginning of November and continued at the rate of about 8-10 per day up until Amazon’s Christmas delivery deadline.

I then received the final figures from my publishers:

The sales total of “The Horse Lover’s Joke Book” on Amazon UK just in November and December 2010, was 25 percent more than all the book’s sales in the whole 12 months of 2009. (Sales figures for the same period 12 months later were almost identical after a similar promotional push in November and December 2011, and I’m currently running the same again for 2012.)  

And it wasn’t doing badly back in 2009 before I started using Twitter for business, either. So if this isn’t proof that promoting and selling niche nonfiction books work well on Twitter, I don’t know what is. So get Tweeting – and sell your books and eBooks!

More help for you on Twitter and beyond:

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English