A Christmas guilt trip…

Do you have a relative like this? Although this is a joke, it might just ring a few bells with some of you!

Christmas,writing,blogging,Suzan St Maur, howtowritebetter.net,how to write better

Do you have a catty relative who makes everyone feel guilty at Christmas?

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering that I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. [Read more…]

How a healthy lifestyle saved a Christmas turkey from the chop

Welcome to Christmas week here on HTWB! No writing or work for these few days, but just some fun for the Holidays – so stay tuned…

Deadly December

turkey,Christmas,healthy,writing,Suzan St Maur,howtowritebetter.net,how to write betterWhen I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, [Read more…]

Holiday music that truly inspires and uplifts – whatever your faith

HTWB Christmas candyIf you want to get into the Holiday spirit and feel uplifted and inspired, check out these two wonderful tracks by my favorite a cappella band, Pentatonix

First of all, Little Drummer Boy… [Read more…]

Birthday jokes: well, I’m a joke, and it’s my birthday!

medium_4176990479As today – May 5th – is my birthday … I thought I’d share some birthday jokes that will give us all a few smiles…

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

Q: “Were any famous men born on your birthday?”
A: “No, only little babies.”

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?
A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age!

Q: Why are birthdays good for you?
A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

Weighing in
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Q:  What do you always get on your birthday?
A:  Another year older!

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake…

Don’t worry about temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

Chop, chop
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.” “HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Birthday deliberations
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people.
“Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”

small__99568043Walking on water
Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned! Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.

Birthday gift? Nice one…
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So that’s what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

Think twice about singing “Happy Birthday”
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.”

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family – from just $2.50

photo credit: Juliana Coutinho via photopin cc
photo credit: Sister72 via photopin cc

On your own on Christmas Day? Let’s sing some carols (turn up your speakers)!

MERRY CHRISTMAS from HowToWriteBetter: some carols to sing along with (turn up your speakers)!As we are online on Christmas Day – and especially if you are by yourself right now on Christmas Day, hey – let’s get into that Holiday Spirit and sing along with some more of our favorite carols! I shared my all time favorite with you on Sunday – “The Coventry Carol” – but here are some more you may enjoy.

Once In Royal David’s City by the Kings College Choir, Cambridge, UK

Another from the same choir… The Nativity Carol

Not so well known perhaps, but a lovely piece of music:

And for something a bit more light-hearted, The 12 Days Of Christmas, by the HooplaKidz

An Arabic Christmas Carol (Byzantine Hymn of the Nativity)

– different, but striking

A lovely version of Ding Dong Merrily On High by the Cantabile Youth Singers

The Holly and the Ivy, by the Vocal Arts Ensemble of San Luis Obispo

And if you want something creative to do, try re-writing the lyrics to Jingle Bells

…as shown and sung here by the one and only (late) Frank Sinatra. I will publish the best parody of these lyrics in a future post on HTWB. Keep it clean(ish). Go on – I dare you!

And if you’d like to get yourself a well-deserved Christmas gift, have a look at these:

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well “How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write “Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English “Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English “English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand “The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours “How To Write Winning Non-fiction”…all you need to know to write a good non-fiction book and get it published photo credit: Sister72 via photopin cc