First-graders’ guide to oceanography …

Excerpts from first-graders’ writing about the oceans …

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 7)

13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

More smiles (and some of them helpful, too)

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

Naughty new views on old written sayings … by First Graders

Many thanks to my old friend Leslie F. from Toronto for sharing this hilarious selection of kids’ views on old proverbs and sayings…

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, especially as the last one is a classic!

Here goes – starter phrases, followed by kids’ responses 

 

Strike while the – bug is close.

It’s always darkest before – Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of – termites.

You can lead a horse to water but – how?

Don’t bite the hand that – looks dirty.

No news is – impossible.

A miss is as good as a – Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new – math.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll – stink in the morning.

Love all, trust – me.

The pen is mightier than the – pigs.

An idle mind is – the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s – pollution.

Happy the bride who – gets all the presents.

A penny saved is – not much.

Two’s company, three’s – the Musketeers.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what – you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and – you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as – Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not – spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed – get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you – see in the picture on the box.

When the blind lead the blind – get out of the way.

A bird in the hand – is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER…

Better late than – pregnant.

More chuckles:

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

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