Valentine’s Day jokes and poems to make your day go with a, er, bang

A few years ago I curated some amusing Valentine’s Day (rude in places) content, and wrote quite a lot of new content in its honour.

Updated humour about Valentines Day on HTWBIf you should find yourself not quite in the gooey-eyed, romantic mood you should be in, say “to hell with it” and have some laughs. Here’s that content again…

Valentine’s Day rhyming couplets

Romantic first lines, not-so-romantic second lines

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was p*ssed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you would hide your face. [Read more…]

How to write better letters to Santa…

I didn’t write these jokes but I wish I had. They have been around for many years and still make me howl with laughter. They are not really Politically Correct so please don’t read any further if you are particularly sensitive to such things; instead you may prefer these Christmas cracker jokes***.

I apologise to Google for publishing these again but they really are too funny to forget…enjoy.

Funny jokes about letters to Santa and his hilarious replies

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend,
WiLLy
Dear Willy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in road sweeping.
How about I get you a ****ing book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa [Read more…]

What to write to overseas friends about Brexit…LOL

As we’re all wondering just what the hell will happen about Brexit to those of us who live in the UK, it can hardly be surprising that people living outside of the UK are utterly bewildered and wondering what even more about what will happen next.

I thought, therefore, that I would jot down a short, jocular poem (which you can sing to a favourite country music track, if you prefer) about Brexit to share when you’re emailing or texting your friends overseas. This poem will explain to them about as much as any of us here in the UK know.

Humorous poem about Brexit
THE BREXIT BLUES

(with apologies for a few expletives, but I have asterisked them.)

I got the Brexit blues, it’s giving me pain, danged Brexit
That Theresa May’s a star but she ain’t goin’ very far
‘Cos those good old boys called “Bruxellaires***
Got her right by her short hairs
And there ain’t nobody figures how she hacks it. [Read more…]

Jokes about poultry: feathered feasts on the menu

If you like poultry and eating it in good restaurants, as I do, you’ll love this small excerpt of foodie jokes from my eBook “The Food Lover’s Joke Book.”

chicken jokes

NASA: defrost the chicken first.

Les Volailles (Poultry)

Stricken chicken
In a small roadside bistro in rural Italy, two British tourists had pulled in to have lunch. Not wanting to admit that they spoke no Italian, the wife thought they’d be safe enough when they ordered “Pollo alla Ferrari.” It turned out to be chicken that had been run over by a sports car.

Cold turkey
A couple went to have dinner at a restaurant known for its house speciality, a turkey dish. “How exactly do you prepare the turkey?” asked the woman as the head waiter brought them their menus. [Read more…]

Writing names for new weed products in Stonetario, Canada…

With recent news in Ontario, Canada that manufacturers of drinks and other products are keen to get in on Canada’s incoming legalisation of fun-filled weed, here are some suggestions for bespoke brand names that will take the new market by storm…

Let's all get high in Ontario

Not to be smoked with a pinch of salt…

Names for new cannabis drink and food products: some ideas

Doctor Potter

A & W Cream Stoner [Read more…]

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

This week’s #SundaySmile is a small but perfectly formed collection of clever puns, (or we should say, quality puns) as shared by my good friend Ellen of the excellent All About Quality company in southern England…14 really clever puns, thanks to EllenPsssstt … don’t tell Ellen, but I have heard a couple of these before … however there are some here that are new to me and, IMHO, are hilarious. Enjoy.

Which pun is your favourite?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. [Read more…]

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