14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

This week’s #SundaySmile is a small but perfectly formed collection of clever puns, (or we should say, quality puns) as shared by my good friend Ellen of the excellent All About Quality company in southern England…14 really clever puns, thanks to EllenPsssstt … don’t tell Ellen, but I have heard a couple of these before … however there are some here that are new to me and, IMHO, are hilarious. Enjoy.

Which pun is your favourite?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

Sir Cumference: ate too much pi ?

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

We’ll all go on ahead.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. Would a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray be a seasoned veteran.

How many of these puns have you heard before?

Please share, so I’ll know to knock them off any future lists!

Have a great week. Sz x

 

 

 

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

In celebration of the first warm and sunny long weekend Bank Holiday in the UK since the Dark Ages, here are some of my favourite puns to give you a smile while you sit around the barbecue with a long, cold drink…

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

With many thanks to the original authors, if anyone can remember who they were.

Which of the following puns and jokes make you groan the most?

1.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but also it’s terrible.

2.What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

3.Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. “Ba-dum-tsssss.”

4.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo.

5.And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

6,What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

7.The Buddhist pulls out a gun. “Whoa,” says the vendor, “I thought you folks were about inner peace.” The Buddhist replies, “this IS my inner piece.”

8.He told his girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

9.A termite walks into a bar and asks, “is the bar tender in here?”

10.What did they give to the guy who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize.

11.What did the pirate say when he turned 80? “Aye Matey. And it sucks.”

12.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

13.What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and another ship carrying red paint both crashed into a deserted island? The sailors were marooned.

14.Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind. I shouldn’t spread it.

15.Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

16.What kind of lingerie to clouds wear? Thunderpants.

17.Friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but says he can stop any time.

18.The email said my blood is Type A, but that was a Type O.

19.I couldn’t understand why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

20.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Have you chosen your favourite groan yet?

Or failing that, please share another one of your favourites here…

Happy May Day Bank Holiday 2018!

 

 

So, so tempting to write back and ….

Do you ever get a marketing message in your email preview window that makes you long to write back using every expletive you can remember? Plus a few?

So, so tempting to write back and ....

Because you’ve been so kind, I’ll let you hand feed a live goat to my 34 snakies.

And even more so because it’s spam, yet treats you like an idiot? Here’s one that had me seething…

(Subject line of email) Monday or Tuesday?
(Sub-subject line) This email is about an appointment I would like to arrange for on Monday 19th

Hello,
How has your week been? [Read more…]

Written rules for dogs, cats and humans

No matter how much we love our dogs and cats, there comes a time when we humans need to lay down the law. (A bit.) And equally, we pet lovers need to set out the rules for humans who visit and might turn up their nose at a stray cat hair in their eye or a doggy footprint on their incredibly expensive, light beige suede coat. Who cares?

rules for dogs, cats and humans

Don’t think I will sleep on the couch just because you need to stretch out on my bed. (Well, not always, anyway…)

Here are some useful guidelines to help us map out appropriate rules for all concerned in our homes. Original rule compiler unknown, but I concur absolutely with their thoughts… [Read more…]

Hilarious ad libbed TV golden oldies

These questions and answers are from the golden old days when the ‘Hollywood Squares‘ TV game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted. And judging by some of them, you can begin to understand why they decided to start scripting them after all … enjoy…

Golden oldie comments from the Hollywood Squares TV show

The late Jackie Gleeson** – surely he wasn’t all that overweight?

Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. [Read more…]

Why it’s worth putting up with your kids

No matter how much your kids may drive you up the wall, there is always at least one good reason why you should put up with all the drama until they’re grown up. Here’s why, in verse, from the upcoming rude volume of poetry, “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes,” due out in September 2017.

Grandparents on HTWB from Mischieverse

Now when things are smoothing out, your brat is human, finally

KIDS

Don’t these kiddies drive you nuts?
What happened to those tots so cute?
Grow away, leave you behind
Yet when in poop, back home they scoot?

Love them dearly, wipe their bums [Read more…]

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