Diary of a self-isolator: Lockdowners’ Laughs Part One

Over on my personal Facebook page I’ve been running some jokes every evening and my followers are growing exponentially. I’ve laughingly declared myself the Humorist Laureate of the Coronavirus Pandemic – frivolous, I know, but it’s one of the few things I can do to help and something quite a few of us need – to laugh. It relieves the stress.

In this episode of Lockdowners’ Laughs … a festival of puns!

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Diary of a social distancer – coronavirus jargon buster (sort of)

Thought you might like to share my own definititions to help us find a little bit of humour in the demon bug. Here goes:

Lockdown: move performed during the sport of Stockpiling.

Coronavirus: deadly bug related to some simple cold viruses but makes them look like pimples on an elephant’s butt by comparison. Also a combination of two words into one, which I hate. Like ‘anymore’ instead of  ‘any more.’ (Spits.)

Corona: abbreviation of the above which doesn’t refer to a brand of beer or the halo around the sun, and don’t we know it by now. Sometimes affectionately abbreviated to ‘Rona.’ (Seriously.)

Lockdown: form of head-and-arm lock popular in the new sport of Stockpiling (see below). Usually performed by one or more players on supermarket staff who try to stop them amassing more stock. [Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer – are you at the WTF stage?

Does normality seem like it was 100 years ago?
Do you feel that the effing COVID bug has kicked your legs out from under you and taken the p*ss out of everything you previously thought was OK?

Are you at the WTF stage about Coronavirus?

OKies … let’s hear it.

WHAT THE F*CK!!!

(Apologies to non-swearers but hey – come on, this is not an ordinary occasion.)

Scary times.

Made even worse by the fact that we don’t really know what next to be scared of.

What next? Not humour, FFS? 

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Diary of a social distancer, 1

“You’ll give me a WHAT?” shouted the man behind the till, making his next-door colleague jump.

Poor chap. An employee of a Sainsbury Local store crapping himself about the coronavirus refused to pack my groceries because someone may have handled the carrier bag previously and licked their fingers to unstick it.

Who wants a squirt?

His eyes bulged behind his spectacle lenses, darting from side to side, looking for The Dreaded Virus in case it was coming for him with a chain saw.

“Tell you what,” I had said, “I’ll do a deal with you. [Read more…]

How to order a Google pizza (because we need a smile this week)

Now that between them Google and Amazon are in total control of our lives (well, maybe not COVID-19 yet), I though you’d find it useful to read through this transcript of Google’s latest venture: dial-a-pizza. Bon appétit.

CALLER:  Is this Giovanni’s Pizza?

GOOGLE:  No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:  I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:  No sir, Google bought Giovanni’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir? [Read more…]

Written smiles to cheer and end our week

Want some smiles from the ‘media’ that aren’t about Brexit or Donald Trump?

sales pitches that are wrong

OK, maybe there isn’t much to laugh about in UK and USA politics right now, but let us at least try to get a smile out of something…

Given the sheer hysteria we’re experiencing in UK politics right now, plus the increasing capriciousness we ingest from politicians in the USA and elsewhere, let’s end this week with a few smiles, rather than sobs.

It has been a while since I curated the funniest of the UK’s Daily Fail’s goofs, but here are a few of my favourites that have emerged over the last couple of weeks or so. Enjoy. [Read more…]

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