20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

In celebration of the first warm and sunny long weekend Bank Holiday in the UK since the Dark Ages, here are some of my favourite puns to give you a smile while you sit around the barbecue with a long, cold drink…

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

With many thanks to the original authors, if anyone can remember who they were.

Which of the following puns and jokes make you groan the most?

1.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but also it’s terrible.

2.What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

3.Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. “Ba-dum-tsssss.”

4.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo. [Read more…]

So, so tempting to write back and ….

Do you ever get a marketing message in your email preview window that makes you long to write back using every expletive you can remember? Plus a few?

So, so tempting to write back and ....

Because you’ve been so kind, I’ll let you hand feed a live goat to my 34 snakies.

And even more so because it’s spam, yet treats you like an idiot? Here’s one that had me seething…

(Subject line of email) Monday or Tuesday?
(Sub-subject line) This email is about an appointment I would like to arrange for on Monday 19th

Hello,
How has your week been? [Read more…]

Written rules for dogs, cats and humans

No matter how much we love our dogs and cats, there comes a time when we humans need to lay down the law. (A bit.) And equally, we pet lovers need to set out the rules for humans who visit and might turn up their nose at a stray cat hair in their eye or a doggy footprint on their incredibly expensive, light beige suede coat. Who cares?

rules for dogs, cats and humans

Don’t think I will sleep on the couch just because you need to stretch out on my bed. (Well, not always, anyway…)

Here are some useful guidelines to help us map out appropriate rules for all concerned in our homes. Original rule compiler unknown, but I concur absolutely with their thoughts… [Read more…]

Hilarious ad libbed TV golden oldies

These questions and answers are from the golden old days when the ‘Hollywood Squares‘ TV game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted. And judging by some of them, you can begin to understand why they decided to start scripting them after all … enjoy…

Golden oldie comments from the Hollywood Squares TV show

The late Jackie Gleeson** – surely he wasn’t all that overweight?

Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. [Read more…]

Why it’s worth putting up with your kids

No matter how much your kids may drive you up the wall, there is always at least one good reason why you should put up with all the drama until they’re grown up. Here’s why, in verse, from the upcoming rude volume of poetry, “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes,” due out in September 2017.

Grandparents on HTWB from Mischieverse

Now when things are smoothing out, your brat is human, finally

KIDS

Don’t these kiddies drive you nuts?
What happened to those tots so cute?
Grow away, leave you behind
Yet when in poop, back home they scoot?

Love them dearly, wipe their bums [Read more…]

How a big bully cat got what he deserved – from a bird

The true story of a cat who thought he ruled the world … until a blackbird with a temper tantrum taught him otherwise. The latest excerpt from my forthcoming book, Mischieverse…and please share your own cats-for-world-domination stories with us in the comments below…

HTWB TC cat

A great big bully, he became – the terror of the neighbourhood

THE BIG TC

Once upon a time there was
A cat called Big TC
(That stood for “Tiger Cat” of course)
A brutal puss, was he.

TC came from friends in Kent
Whose pussy had been ravaged [Read more…]

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