Jokes about poultry: feathered feasts on the menu

If you like poultry and eating it in good restaurants, as I do, you’ll love this small excerpt of foodie jokes from my eBook “The Food Lover’s Joke Book.”

chicken jokes

NASA: defrost the chicken first.

Les Volailles (Poultry)

Stricken chicken
In a small roadside bistro in rural Italy, two British tourists had pulled in to have lunch. Not wanting to admit that they spoke no Italian, the wife thought they’d be safe enough when they ordered “Pollo alla Ferrari.” It turned out to be chicken that had been run over by a sports car.

Cold turkey
A couple went to have dinner at a restaurant known for its house speciality, a turkey dish. “How exactly do you prepare the turkey?” asked the woman as the head waiter brought them their menus. [Read more…]

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

In celebration of the first warm and sunny long weekend Bank Holiday in the UK since the Dark Ages, here are some of my favourite puns to give you a smile while you sit around the barbecue with a long, cold drink…

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

With many thanks to the original authors, if anyone can remember who they were.

Which of the following puns and jokes make you groan the most?

1.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but also it’s terrible.

2.What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

3.Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. “Ba-dum-tsssss.”

4.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo. [Read more…]

Written rules for dogs, cats and humans

No matter how much we love our dogs and cats, there comes a time when we humans need to lay down the law. (A bit.) And equally, we pet lovers need to set out the rules for humans who visit and might turn up their nose at a stray cat hair in their eye or a doggy footprint on their incredibly expensive, light beige suede coat. Who cares?

rules for dogs, cats and humans

Don’t think I will sleep on the couch just because you need to stretch out on my bed. (Well, not always, anyway…)

Here are some useful guidelines to help us map out appropriate rules for all concerned in our homes. Original rule compiler unknown, but I concur absolutely with their thoughts… [Read more…]

Anger vs Exasperation

A young girl who was studying for an English test at school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Martin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Martin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?” [Read more…]

How to be insulting in English without using 4-letter words

Gone are the days when you could make someone shrivel up and crawl down a drain with an educated, upmarket insult. And I think that’s very sad. Surely it’s more fun – and more effective – to use clever insults rather than all those clumpy words representing body parts and bodily functions, sexual inadequacy, and other boring clichés?

My cousin Alyson in Canada sent these to me recently to remind us just how cutting a good, clean insult can be. Enjoy… and how about coming up with some new ones? Send yours in as comments – and I’ll try to think some up, too…

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”  He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” [Read more…]

Humor from one of the world’s masters: Bob Hope

On his death bed, they asked Bob Hope where he wanted to be buried.
His answer was, “surprise me.”

Bob Hope and Ann Jillian entertain troups

Bob Hope and Ann Jillian perform for military personnel at the USO Christmas Tour during Operation Desert Shield.

If you remember Bob Hope, you’ll really enjoy this. For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents – they’ll thank you for bringing back the memories!

This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

[Read more…]

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