Old questions no-one, er, ever writes answers for

HTWB HUMOR logo smallSome of these questions have been around for years. So why haven’t they been answered? Would you like to help out here and provide some answers? That would be great! [Read more…]

Funny quotes from famous old goats…

HTWB George Burns and Bob Hope

The late, great George Burns (left) and Bob Hope (right.)

My thanks to good friend Laurence H. for sharing these hilarious pearls from famous forefathers and foremothers…

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

HTWB Zsa Zsa GaborI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
– W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family (don’t forget the Holiday Season is coming soon)…

photo credit: srqpix via photopin cc
photo credit: Loren Javier via photopin cc

When your kids make you want to dig a hole and jump in…

HTWB Kids 2Thanks to my good friend Nance Larson who shared these prize cringe-makers recently in The Joke Street Journal

Ever notice how a 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adult voices? [Read more…]

8 amazing, er, home remedies you’ll never have thought of

HTWB home remedies 2Feast your eyes on these hilarious home remedies in which there is probably more truth than you’d imagine. Thanks for these to my good friend Nance Larson who contributes funnies regularly to my Facebook group, The Joke Street Journal. (If you’re on Facebook and like to laugh, come and join us – click here.) [Read more…]

How not to write for Church noticeboards

small__6553031375They’re back! Those wonderful Church bulletins! Thank Heavens for (Christian) Church helpers who are handy with their laptops but not quite so handy at syntax or reading back what they have written and printed out to go up on the notice board or be announced. For example… [Read more…]

How not to write picture captions, by a leading UK newspaper

HTWB twinsWithout mentioning names, one of the UK’s best loved/hated newspapers really ought to get their picture caption writers some lessons in English syntax and other literary trifles. Consider the following, hilarious, verbatim examples… [Read more…]

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