Capers in the court room

funny jokes,courtroom,attorney,witness,lawyers,humor,hilarious

Some courtroom exchanges
make you laugh, not cry…

Most court cases are either boring or gory, but according to these urban legends they can be funny in places, too. Enjoy!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? [Read more…]

Do you let your writing walk all over your personality?

Writing guides like me always preach that you should write as you speak, whoever you are. But often there are big-bully barriers that get in your way, making your writing dull, long-winded and not like the real you at all.

Does your writing walk all over your personality?

Here’s how to get over those barriers to achieve fluent writing that sounds like the you, and to make sure it never walks all over you again.

You feel you have to reflect the importance of your job

There’s no reason why what you write should be any different from the way you speak to your colleagues, staff, customers or clients, stakeholders, etc., when you’re in a relatively informal meeting with them.

Provided that you’re confident in yourself, your skills and talent, those will shine through in your writing without your needing to resort to long words and pompous phrasing. Keep it simple, have some faith, and your readers will hear your voice coming through those words.

You’re not too sure exactly what it is you want to express

Another thing we pro writers often admit is that once we get writing, we often delete the first paragraph because that was us just “warming up” before we really got to the point. It’s not just pro writers; everyone does that, especially when they haven’t really decide a) what they want to say or b) how to go about saying what they need to say.

By all means, take all your time to “warm up” with your writing, but be brave enough to go back with a hatchet and chop out the early sentences where you were getting the car running and the oil circulating smoothly around the motor.

You’re hampered by the need to use conventional structure and wording

This is especially true amongst “professionals” like doctors and lawyers, as well as throughout the scientific and academic communities.

Lawyers always come up with the excuse that to use sentences less than 95 words long with any punctuation at all opens them and their clients up to horrendous legal liabilities potentially costing millions. That may be true for a legal contract, but it isn’t true when writing a letter to a client or prospect. A short, snappy sentence in active rather than passive speech does not make you look like a moron; it makes you look human and alive in the 21st century.

Does your writing walk all over your personality?Doctors, despite repeatedly being asked by patient representative groups (and I speak as one of those, as well as doing my day job) to write letters about your healthcare in layman’s terms, invariably fall back into medical jargon – especially if they’re writing a letter to a medical colleague with you, as the mere patient, being copied in for good measure. If the correct terminology is “radical cystectomy with formation of ileal conduit” that’s fine, but to insert (in brackets if you must) “bladder removal followed by construction of a stoma on the abdomen” would be very helpful. After all, that’s how you, the doctor, would describe it to a patient face-to-face. It may feel comfortable to chat away in jargon, but get out from behind it when non-professionals need to understand it.

Academic writing makes my eyes cross. However I mustn’t criticize it according to my undergraduate son who sends me his university essays to proof-read. These are so tightly packed with long-winded sentences and paragraphs several inches long, I need a bottle of water and a sandwich to sustain me just so I can read them to the end. If your audience is entirely academic, OK, but if non-academics – or non-specialists – need to understand what you write, once again – write it as you would tell it to their faces.

You want your text or script to sound properly “corporate”

I’ll never forget an advertising agency wallah who once rejected some copy I had written for a corporate brochure because I had written a direct, no-fuss account of what the (his) client company did and how it could achieve damned good results for its clients.

Why? It didn’t seem “corporate” enough. What do you mean? I asked. “Well, you know, there should be more long words. More formal writing. More, you know, corporate stuff.”

Much as freelancers like moi  can scarcely afford to fire a client, I fired this guy and told him where he could stuff his business along with his corporate lunacy.

Don’t be silly. The fact that you and/or your corporate organization know how to use long words means nothing other than long-windedness. Don’t hide behind it and allow it to destroy the personality, zest and vigour of the organization: get off the corporate high horse and tell it like it really is.

You’re afraid to step out of a comfort zone that you learned years ago

Does your writing walks all over your personality?Particularly if you studied English (or the language of your own country if that isn’t English) through high school and into tertiary education, you may still be harbouring rules and conventions that no longer apply, and perhaps never did considering that we’re now out in the big wide world beyond school.

Many of us, me included, can still hear our old English teachers’ remonstrations when we strayed away from the norm with our writing, splitting infinitives and leaving participles dangling all over the place. The reality is that we do that when we speak, and so in theory we should do that when we write.

Apologies to older English teachers, and here’s a caveat … you need to know what the rules are, before you can break them effectively. So to write “I want to utterly trash that malformed opinion” is technically wrong, but everyone can understand it because it’s only a minor transgression from what’s correct and so is easy to grasp. However to write “I think it’s essential to utterly and beyond all serious, sensible doubt trash that malformed opinion” doesn’t work.

See the difference?

Moral of the story?

Writing today – whether for personal, business, “professional” or whatever other requirements, is all about sharing information in the quickest, most effective ways. It’s not about pontificating, patronizing, posturing or any of those turgid old affectations that pervaded literature a few decades ago.

Now, it’s about being you, writing as “you,” and connecting with your business and personal communications in an honest and worthwhile way.

Provided, as always, that you use sufficient discipline in grammar, spelling, punctuation and syntax so that you leave no-one in doubt as to what you really mean.

 

Some help to make sure your writing reflects who you  really are:

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

photo credit: mezone via photopin cc

Write your own Will – and save money

Making a Will is not something any of us like to do, and right now when money is tight it’s an expense that’s often put on the back burner. But it is possible to write your own Will and save on the cost of expensive lawyers … and at least once you’ve done it, you know your precious possessions will go to the people you want to have them should something awful happen to you.

In this article, professional Estate Planner Nick Ingram shares his tips on some of the most important issues you need to bear in mind when writing your Will. Being a careful professional, too, he has asked me to point out that the tips he has given are correct at the time of writing, and are applicable only under current UK law.

However in my opinion the advice he gives is likely to apply – to a large extent – to most “western” countries where laws about succession are similar to those of the UK. So here goes…

Nick Ingram’s tips to consider when writing your Will…

**Do write a Will (or update an existing Will). Never wait for the ‘right time:’ add it to your to-do list now.

**Write a new Will if any significant event or change happens in your life; birth of a child or death of a child or legal adoption of a child, divorce, marriage, death of a beneficiary, falling out with a previous beneficiary, the ‘maturity’ of a child i.e. reaching the age of 18 years, etc.

**If writing your own Will (which you can do) remember the broad concept of your wishes, and make your instructions clear and unambiguous.

**Do not use jargon (that’s for television). State what of what you own is to go where (be that cash or property) in clear terms.

**When dividing something up to be shared out equally, be careful how you divide it; 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = 1, but 33% + 33% + 33% = 99%. Chose your method carefully.

**Your “estate” comprises only the houses or buildings or land that you own and your cash in cash/savings accounts, investments or pension funds, etc.

**If you include businesses in your Will, your instructions must not conflict with the articles of your limited company.

**If there is a person/s that you specifically want excluded from your Will, say so, and why.

**If you do not mention or include provision for people who were previously financially dependent on you, your Will can be challenged.

**If you own something of specific value (be that in monetary or sentimental terms) that you wish to pass to a specific person, name the item and name the person as a separate paragraph in your Will.

**If you wish to leave a legacy for a charity, use the charity’s registered number in preference to its name.  Charities are often known by a name that is not their actual name, or they have a name that is similar to that of another charity.

**For items of little or no value (your CD collection, your car, your rose vase etc.) do not include these in the Will, but list them on a separate document, signed and dated by you, that can be kept with the Will BUT NOT ATTACHED TO THE WILL IN ANY WAY!

**Do not include any beneficiary of your Will, to be an executor of your Will.

**Once you have written a Will, tell people where it is. If it cannot be found, it does not exist.

**Once written, you must date it, sign it and have your signature witnessed by a minimum of 2 people.  An unsigned Will is not a valid Will!

**If your ‘estate’ is complicated with potentially difficult tax implications or perhaps overseas properties or investments, etc., get your Will written by a professional.

**If you wish to destroy a previous Will, just shred it and put it in the trash.

Not the most cheerful of topics – but a very important consideration. Of course, you can have your Will written by your lawyer, at a price! However for more information on (less costly) professional Will writers, click here for the UK … or here … and Google “professional Will writers” to find them in other countries.

And Nick very kindly has said that if you are in the UK, he will happily answer your questions if you drop him a note on nickingram.home@gmail.com .

How does it go? Where there’s a Will, there’s a way?

These books Will help you a lot, too:

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

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