Happy New Year 2015!

Our very best wishes for 2015 and beyond…

Happy New Year from How To Write Better dot net

Love from us all at HowToWriteBetter.net

…have a really wonderful year!

 

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HAPPY NEW YEAR from HowToWriteBetter.net

Here’s wishing you love, laughter, good health and success for 2013!

Happy New Year from HowToWriteBetter.net

Welcome to our new series
HUMOR in writing!

And here is the transcript of a telephone conversation which I’m assured is real. Even if it isn’t, it could be. So celebrate the New Year with me by having a good laugh…

Don’t forget to cancel your credit card before you die

Reported in the UK’s Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently:

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.’

MBNA: ‘But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.’

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months overdue, it already has been.’

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

MBNA: ‘Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

MBNA: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?’

MBNA: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in September.’

MBNA: ‘But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

MBNA: (Stammer) ‘Are you her solicitor?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her grandson’

MBNA: ‘Could you fax us a death certificate?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’

(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Happy New Year from HowToWriteBetter.net

If you work in a call center, this dialogue may
(but shouldn’t) ring a bell for you…

MBNA: ‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’

MBNA: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

MBNA: ‘That would help.’

Family Member: ‘ Plot 1049.’ Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road, Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: ‘But, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?’

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them.

Do you think such idiocy might be stamped out in 2013? No, I didn’t think so either.

Have a wonderful year anyway…!

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give – from just $2.50 (less than £2.00!)

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Want to know what happened in 2013?

Right now, everyone is looking back at the year that’s just drawing to a close. I think it’s more fun to look back at what will have happened in 2013. For example…

January

Gangnam Style supremo PSY launched a sensational new performance guaranteed to smooth US feathers ruffled late in 2012, called Dee Cee Style. In this extravaganza PSY and his co-performers dance in horse-motion around Washington DC using the popular DC Segways as engaging hobby horses. Asian neighbour Kim Jong-un from north Korea commented, “Himnam beingnam greedy bastardnam. Wantnam Americnam dollars andnam f*cknam Korea. Time for spacemissilenam up bumnam.”

February

Sir Richard Branson, having watched as Delta Airways bought the 49 percent share of Virgin from Singapore Airlines for $360million late in 2012, decided to capitalize on this across-the-pond deal and rename the entire business “Dirgin.” In keeping with the zingy new brand he has just purchased the largest chain of funeral homes in the USA and is negotiating the purchase of a similar chain in the UK. “No matter what else happens,” quipped the effervescent Branson, “everybody has to die. That’s the kind of certain market every entrepreneur just dreams about!”

March

Want to know what happened in 2013?Pippa Middleton, following up on the huge success of her first book, “Celebrate,” published “Copulate” – this time focusing on the wildly popular social-erotica trend. In the book Miss Middleton shared useful advice for readers with chapters covering such essential topics as “why your naughty bits are called Wedding Tackle,” “why Mummies shouldn’t let the children play with her pet rabbit,” “how to use one of our party balloons in a romantic emergency,” and much more. A spokesperson for Miss Middleton assured the media that she wrote every word of the book herself, with no editorial help.

April

Still on the erotica theme … reacting to falling ratings of his UK show, “The X factor,” Simon Cowell announced a totally revamped show due to start later in the year. To be entitled “The Slap Factor,” Cowell’s new show involves contestants performing lewd acts both on stage and with audience members, with winners being those who receive the highest number of disapproving slaps by the end of the series. An RSPCA inspector will attend each show to ensure the proper treatment of animals.

May

Want to know what happened in 2013?Ever-commercially gifted, the Kardashian reality stars launched their new brand of motor car – the Kardash. In a recent interview Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner pointed out how every model in the Kardash range reflects the values and outlook of the Kardashian family … for example a sturdy, seriously-strengthened chassis … choice of finishes by Vuitton, Gucci, Chanel … bulbous, protruding headlights … extra long extensions to all wheel-arches … extremely high-profile wheels and tyres … and of course, an exceptionally wide, deep and roomy trunk (boot) and rear cargo area.

June

Given the increasingly liberal views towards the legalization of marijuana in the United States, US First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is growing several of these shrubs in the White House grounds adjacent to her organic vegetable garden. When asked what her intentions were regarding the use of this controversial plant, she said “purely aesthetic of course, because they have such beautiful foliage.” An observer later pointed out how organic brownies are appearing much more frequently on Whitehouse menus; and recently the outdoor Whitehouse smoking areas have become much more fragrant.

July

Want to know what happened in 2013?Kate Middleton AKA the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to quadruplets. Considering that all four were delivered by caesarean section at precisely the same time, erstwhile protocol whereby the eldest is presumed to be the first one out, is no longer relevant. Hence, after a random selection made by the Queen’s obstetrician who was blindfolded for the task, it was determined that Princess Eenie will be assumed royal heir apparent, followed numerically by Prince Meenie, Princess Miney and Prince Mo. We wish the royal couple every happiness and good luck in telling them apart.

August

Courtney Stodden was heart-broken when her beloved 8-inch Perspex platform shoes melted and collapsed during a promotional event during which she was required to walk, semi-naked, along a path of burning coals. Sobbing on the shoulder of her near-pensioner husband, Doug Hutchison, she wailed “I’ve had those shoes since I was 12 years old when I first started out as a sexy model. They were my good luck charms.” A helpful onlooker quickly got her on her toes again with two large bricks and some carefully placed Duct tape.

September

Victoria Beckham caused utter pandemonium at a recent press conference launching her collection for Spring 2014 – by smiling. Asked by a paparazzo what caused this rare breach of her ethos, Victoria glared close-mouthed and hobbled away on her Louboutins. “You stupid tw*t,” hissed one of her entourage, “she’s been trying out a new all-onion diet and she’s breaking more wind than a cart horse on a whoopee cushion. It’s not a smile, it’s sheer relief.” The crestfallen paparazzo was even further alarmed when, as he lit a cigarette, he was enveloped by a large blue flame.

October

Want to know what happened in 2013?Lady Gaga as usual caused a fashion riot – this time in Buffalo, NY – when she arrived at the airport prior to her concert there. The paparazzi snapped away frantically and crowds screamed their amazement and disbelief as she descended from her private jet wearing a pair of jeans, a warm sweater, trainers, minimal makeup and her hair in a ponytail. When asked to comment on her outrageous attire she said, “f*** off, this is my Halloween costume.”

November

In an effort to channel the achievements of living Barbie Dolls Valeria Lukyanova and Olga Oleynik into the older generation, TV stars Joan Rivers and Jay Leno agreed to undergo extensive cosmetic surgery to align themselves with a new, 3rd age Barbie and Ken respectively. Joan Rivers said, “you sure you don’t want me to be Ken? One more facelift after all I’ve had and I’ll need to start shaving off the beard.” Jay Leno seemed pleased, saying “it will be nice not to have a chin like a snow shovel anymore and I can’t wait to drive a fuschia pink Beach Cruiser.”

December

Want to know what happened in 2013?Ultra-macho super hero Tom Cruise finally met the woman of his dreams this month in the form of delightful McDonalds chef Mabel Crunt, a 4’9” beauty from Boise, Idaho and a lifelong Scientology follower. Commenting on his happy new relationship, Cruise said “much as I respect and admire my previous wives, Mabel looks up to me in a way that no woman has before.” Good luck Mabel. Your local thrift shop is going to love all those size 3 platform heels, but hang on to the ballet flats.

What happened in your world in 2013? Please share….

Why your writing was so successful in 2013:

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well
“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write
“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

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