Santa’s mailbox: why little Timmy gets a swat from Santa

Every year we share some cute notes from kiddies to Santa and amusingly, they keep up with current trends out there in the big bad naughty-non-Santa world. This year’s example is no exception. With grateful thanks to my good friend Eleanor S. for sharing it with us… 

Santa's mailbox: why little Timmy gets a swat from SantaDear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Black Ops 2 and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

That’s what I thought, you little b*stard.

Useful further reading if you wanna stay cool with this site, babes … :

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well
“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write
“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English
“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English
“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand
“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours
“How To Write Winning Non-fiction”…all you need to know to write a good non-fiction book and get it published